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𝓞𝓯 𝓚𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 & 𝓠𝓾𝓮𝓮𝓷𝓼 & 𝓚𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓭𝓸𝓶𝓼
🇯🇴 The Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan 🇯🇴
Civilised, gracious, genteel, cultured, historical, expansive, and sophisticated are only a few of the adjectives that come to mind when I think to describe Jordan and the unrivalled authenticity and kindness of Arab hospitality.
Jordan is chic, and Jordan is very, very special.
Firstly however I would like to personally thank all the magnificent souls who took their time to share with me their energy, knowledge and the wonders of The Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan and Arab culture. To His Majesty King Abdullah II and her Majesty Queen Rania. To Eugene DeMarco, Her Excellency Lina Annab, Nadine, Mohammad, Ghazi, George, Raja, Hamsa, Samer, the Royal Jordanian Falcons. To the guides, and the fantastic hospitality from the accommodations I stayed… and special mention to Munther for being so immensely accomodating to our last minute changing of plans… tollerance level shinning golden! I was delighted and privileged to have the opportunity to come and discuss business endeavours and creative opportunities with you all. I am thrilled to find Jordanian resources well suited to the projects I have under development and to additionally find these facilitated and supported by like minded passionate individuals with vision; these are unique and valuable circumstances.
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‘Mandala’, Gilt framed, dupion silk- padded when mounted, gold foil screenprint, embroidered signatures, (image) 450 x 500mm, 2015, 2/5.
Signature embroidery detail:
Gold M(oena) M(oxham) reflected 'knuckles' logo and Japanese Moena Moxham: Mo-e-na Mo-ku-sa-mu
萌名 木作夢 = Crush (as in the manga infatuation), Name, Tree, Make, Dream
Earlier this month I was delighted to be invited to attend a private audience with His Majesty King Abdullah II and Her Majesty Queen Rania. My artwork ‘Mandala’ was purchased as a gift to be presented to the King and Queen.
A mandala (Sanskrit: मण्डल, lit, circle) is a spiritual and ritual symbol in Hinduism and Buddhism, representing all existence. In common use, "mandala" has become a generic term for any diagram, chart or geometric pattern that represents the cosmos metaphysically or symbolically; a microcosm of the universe. Mandalas often exhibit radial balance.
The term appears in the Rigveda (an ancient Hindu collection of Sanskrit hymns) as the name of the sections of the work, but is also used in other religions and philosophies, particularly Buddhism.
In various spiritual traditions, mandalas may be employed for focusing attention of practitioners and adepts, as a spiritual guidance tool, for establishing a sacred space. They are used as an aid to meditation and trance induction.
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Before I get on a roll, lets additionally clarify a little of the miss-information floating around about this country and locale though yar. I know first hand what it’s like to be geographically miss-located by association. New Zealand often gets attached to Australia (nooo.. we are not that little island down there- that’s Tasmania) or mysteriously placed up there with Switzerland in Europe (I know… it sounds a little like that doesn’t it lol), Jordan often suffers being lumped in with ‘troubled Middle East’.
It. Is. Not. It’s a forward thinking, safe, developed and delightful culture- quite unique unto it’s own.
It’s tight quarters, with Syria and Lebanon to the North, Iraq to the East, Saudi to the South and Palestine, Israel and Egypt to the West- this area is one of the longest populated anywhere in the world. With artefacts and cultural remnants dating back over 10,000 years, this family has long standing provenance. One, which I would like to point out over those with a mere 150 or 300 years of colonisation; a bit more experience in living together. I balk at the audacity and arrogance of those with less experience and their endless opinions about what is happening in this part of the world- those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones- certainly not at those who have foundations that go back as far as these guys do.
I’ve realised some rather interesting things in my time here in Jordan and they pertain to how we interact and empower each other.
My culture’s conflict has an awful lot of basis in possession. It dawned on me one day in Amman that this really is not the fundamental kernel of what is happening here in the Middle East. Conflict has basis in interpretation; in semantics, in the details of how things are understood- there’s a lot of intellectualisation about particulars.
I was fortunate one afternoon in-between my scheduled meetings to have the opportunity to visit the Jordan Contemporary Art Museum. It followed on to being invited to attend workshop afternoon with visually impaired children and the opening of the museum's latest curation (above). It was here I had a fascinating conversation with an Arabic calligrapher (1st & 2nd photos) about the details of Arabic language. Taken by Burmese in the weeks prior while travelling in Myanmar I had also fallen for Arabic- phonetic sounding/ symbol based recognition languages are my thing. In two days I had accrued the basics but was totally captivated when this man explained to me the following: marks placed above the script can define whether the word or concept is imaginary or literal.
An excerpt taken from 'The Subjunctive Mood in Arabic Grammatical Thought', By Arik Sadan, which I got submersed within in along my travels researching Arabic.. what a language huh!!
This blew my mind- he went on to discuss with me the formalities of brush strokes, the precise rules applied to the inclination and angles of the marks; the spacing; the thickness of line. Reminiscent of the formalities of Japanese script I was totally and utterly absorbed for two reasons- one, the beauty of the thing in itself and 2, because it gave me insight and perspective to the psychology of how this culture thought and the rules and parameters they feel are apparent within their historical structures.
This meeting also coincided with me finding great similarities in what is considered ‘Contemporary Art’ in older established societies and the techniques these places are using to teach young minds. That afternoon I was able to discuss observations from my travels and my experiences with scholars and those to the learned level of doctorate. Both in India and in Jordan, there are distinct categories of expression which were, and are, considered modern artistry. A derivative Cubist style, a geometric block coloured and textural expression, loose lined sketching, naive illustrative figurative works, poetic form cast in bronze, narrative illustrations upon ceramic.. and a few others. Consistent and parallel themes, and in some ways this could be construed as formulaic demonstrations of beauty. ‘This is considered acceptable’, ‘this is considered Art’, ‘this is how we do it’.
Watching the children in the workshop I considered my finding from India, now in Jordan and compared them with my culture. Was history repressing the ability for those here in older cultures to break out of set appreciations of ‘Art’ and expressive formula? Are these kid encouraged to make what they feel or are they being told what it should look like? How does a culture steeped in historical ideals of what is good and what isn’t take on radical and unusual deviations from this.. how does a new generation influenced globally by different media find a platform where their work is considered ‘good’ outside what is currently appreciated and has been so for many, many more years than elsewhere, and how does a young person wanting to be educated and find success within a system find a unique voice without being rejected from the structure which he/ she is being taught within… If I thought my country at times could be rigid and conservative I had just encountered a whole new challenging system. I also thought- how does a relatively new culture establish avenues for recognisable distinction within creative expression and how do we educate people to the long term values of craftsmanship and creative outlet?
That night I was wandering the streets down Rainbow Road and I was people watching; a favourite past-time. When Jordanians interact, it’s hard to perceive what is going on within the interaction. Ok, there can be hand waving, there can be different intonation and louder speech- but the energy exchange between two people, on average is very, very even. (* note- hand waving, yelling and loud talk does not mean the person is radical or violent- it just means they are impassioned &/or demonstrative- thanks media for mudding the water on that for viewers) It’s hard to tell who has the upper hand shall we say. Often when we communicate- we can see a dominant party, or one that is submissive to the others, or the appearance of power-play being employed. Culturally we have different ways of coming together anyway- like in India, interaction can be all balls blazing from the outset and then we work our way back down to mutual respect. In Arab interaction- there is much less crackle and fizz and more even respect.
The following day, I had the opportunity to talk with a man further about my observations. I’d watched a particular theme play out two times in the morning which I’d pointed out to him- once between two men at a kebab stand and another time between another group of men setting up stalls at Jerash. What looked like from the external display to be some type of heated discussion about a thing (the lamb and the beef in the first case, and the items in the stall in the second) was actually about the particulars of the details. The first men were discussing the better qualities of the meat and the second the particular correct placement of the stand and the items. Less literal about the stuff and more about the particulars… interesting spill over into the religious quarrels surrounding this area also.. it’s not about the Quran, it’s the interpretation of the messages within yar..
Is this not what happens as we get older? We get more particular about our perspectives, more entitled to our point of views, more rigid in our perception of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’; ‘good’ and ‘bad’ interpretations… we get grouchier about being confronted about these boundaries being criticised also…? It’s a hard thing to break out of system when we nit pick the details and impose controls yeah; but is this not a battle that we as humans have a daily self responsibly to consider opposing or contesting? Why.. I’m always asking why… and I can be juvenile of mind. I flick my concepts around play them out and I don’t settle for what are other people's ideas; I refuse to feel obligation or duty to ‘be’ or think a certain way. In other words- I don’t believe the hype and I don't do what I’m told is ‘correct’… oh what a luxury huh. Yes, it is a luxury to have had the opportunity to grow myself up making choices to being able to think & ultimately behave this way.
Above- Petra. A very special mention to Adeeb Alhasanat from Jordan Inspiration Tours who's knowledge about this area is vast and is a fantastic representative to impart information about the culture of Petra and it's former and current inhabitants- I highly recommend him and his company.
These older cultures on some levels can be rather serious and I considered why I assimilate so well with the playfulness of Asia. One, the belief systems align more to my values and two, well, they are far more ‘young at heart’ in a way. Creativity and that inner child come hand in hand. In order to think outside the box we need to be avant-guarde, we need to be able to take calculated risks, and we need to not be confined by constraints, rules and judgements. It’s very hard to do something new and revolutionary if people freak out about stepping outside what is established or recognised as 'acceptable'.
Ironically- my culture, although it appears to be laid back and relaxed (touted as a breeding ground for 'creativity') employs the highest level of psychological warfare I have ever experienced in any culture, anywhere in the world. Control comes in dangerous and subliminal form and restrictions are imposed everywhere. Here's an interesting thing though- it’s kryptonite for most Kiwi’s to not be liked; to not keep the waters even in their social systems and community; we don’t like obvious displays of conflict. We excel internationally because of this- we work hard and we are amicable but there’s a rather sinister side to all of this too- we are incredibly manipulative. Our society has many controls, but we learn how to to navigate and break them, not very pleasantly this comes with learning how to navigate a person also, we like put downs, we like perfectionism, we like making people do things one way and not show above this and we like blame and excuses. We have a problem with celebrating success and we undervalue people and skill... especially the accumulative and transferrable varieties. We perpetrate the mistruth of ‘luck’ and miss-inform people that we can all achieve profound fortune. That's a heavy load- yes, choice defines our direction, but I in no way believe we can dictate all of our decisions- we must work from what we have in the current situation. Ripples- build upon ripples. Is it any wonder our society is un-empowered- we constantly feel we can’t get it ‘right’, people feel bumped from all angles- internally and externally. Personal greatness comes in many forms… some doesn't look too flash to others…
Interrogation- predominantly utilised upon ourselves is reflective of intellectual snobbery and subliminal superiority. It creates crippling self-doubt within ourselves and creates shockwaves of insecurities within others. Through this, we penalise those less ingenious from trying to just get the job done in the manner they choose to try and do it. Not eating the right diet? not going to the gym enough? not doing the ‘right’ things with our kids? No rego, no permit, no degree, no prior experience... just not sure? With all this external expenditure of energy into other people's business or the surety of our own, it’s no wonder we feel depleted and in need to reach for things or people to fill these voids & cracks.
Was it Tom Cruise's character in Eyes Wide Shut that said something to the effect of 'morals are the obsession of the middle class'...? A heinous statement in some respects but one with validity all the same. When you're hungry, desperate or have 'nothing to loose' or, you make the rules, or can buy your way through them, you're not obsessing about strategising alternatives. Get the job done the way you choose with certainty. Self doubt, complacency and indecision is more harmful than anyone else's opinion.
The Children's Museum- Amman. Thought provoking and with colloquial delivery alongside appropriate examples pertaining to Arab culture- this is one cool assss learning spot.. shuffle over little ones, big kid wants to play too! Incorporating inspirations directly from Queen Rania, her vision has created a five star space for young and older alike to learn things about ourselves, the community and our environment.
Welcome Home.. I’ve been in New Zealand under 4 1/2 minutes, arriving in the wee hours after traveling long haul from Amman to Abu Dhabi, Abu Dhabi to Brisbane, Brisbane to Wellington. I’m hangin’ out at the baggage carousel; a lady walks past me and remarks about my attire. 'Well ain't you underdressed for this city love, you’re going to have a few problems’ she remarks towards my sleeveless red playsuit and referring to the nipply temperatures awaiting outside- to which I happily giggle and reply 'I'm a Wellingtonian honey; we're built tough & we like it chilly!’… inwardly groaning and in the back of my mind thinking.. umm nup, this has actually been perfect for travelling 25 hours..?!
Excuse me?- Who are you?! And why should I even feel compelled to gratify you with a response? Imagine if I hadn't been from Wellington- what a way to say 'Welcome!' no?! You are certainly not really worried about my comfort for you would have offered me a coat, and if you had wanted to have a conversation, I believe you may have slowed down rather than commenting as you walked past- jealous perhaps; can’t quite bring yourself to say- ‘I like what you are wearing’ so feel the urge to drag me down to gain a little power play.. yesss now I think we’re onto it.
Ironically this little interaction was actually perfect timing towards my mullings and musings.
Psychological warfare, power-play, control, interaction, expression and identity. I’ve learnt amazing things and recognised validity in my observations over the years in the last three months, but unfortunately they don't play out too great for my loved homeland.
The four main controls: ‘Woe is me’, ‘Interrogator’, ‘Intimidator’ and ‘Aloof’. Fascinating strategies huh… but lets take a closer look at what these really mean in society today shall we, because the outward use of these on each other is really nothing to what we are doing internally either. We like the concepts of doing good here in NZ and of karma, but we are crap to ourselves… that’s just as bad as hurting another yeah nah yeah!
The example above was a rather timely illustration of ‘Interrogator’. Putting someone else down in order to gain a feel good boost by taking a stance of superiority. I feel this lady felt she had it all together- she was prepared and had supremacy to my inadequacy in her eyes. Strategies employed upon another give an interesting indication towards what that person likes to pull upon themselves also- for many people don’t differentiate between personal/ professional, internal/ external, expressive/ intellectual. I feel for her children, I feel for her colleagues, I feel for her- my, my her standards are high.
Unusual? No. In Kiwi-land this type of interaction is rather common place. People’s level of interactive entitlement and self-righteousness is higher than anywhere else in the world; it’s not unusual for people you've never met to lean over and interject, fling a passing comment or add their two cents worth. MOST times these are kind, helpful, funny or build a sense of camaraderie, but they can be quite the opposite also and it’s out of your control if and when it’s going to happen to you. There can be something rather disconcerting about having to deal with this when ya leave the house. This doubt, these seeds of uncertainty can become poisonous to those who can remember and collect them. Feel those daggers in your back when you're dressed to impress? They might was well be real in this country because I would argue- that sensory pain does far more longterm damage than what that wound feels like in actuality because of how we comprehend and understand it.
Happiness and a sense of elation is a sign, recognised the world around of success. An outward display of personal contentment and joy; a thing of beauty and to be celebrated. In NZ this is actually a little backwards; happiness can become an affliction unless you build that hide tough- it's going to bring you some unusual challenges. Where joy spreads lightness among others in overseas environments- sharing a feeling of warmth, here, at times, it brings you the opposite- jealousy, criticism, envy and even more dangerously it incites people to sabotage or de-validate achievement. People take joy in breaking others and dragging them down. 'What are you talking about??!!- we are rated one of the 'happiest' nations in the world!'.. yes, apparently. Look around you, travel a little and compare, we're not- I don't know how we are measuring this statistic, but I can sure as f*&%k share that when you've been immersed in other cultures around the globe which ARE happy, when you arrive home there is a distinct and startling difference... and hey, these are only my impressions- perhaps you see another side :)
In NZ people are not valued- neither is individual skill- people believe in equality in a broad societal sense. We are brought up to think we ‘can do anything’; that anyone can gain the skills to be incredible. We are not built equal, I do not believe in this concept- some have talents, skills or natural dispositions that others cannot acquire. Through years of hard work and selection, choices and direction we can grow and hone these building blocks- but it is not by accident or ‘natural selection’ that some rise to greatness or find personal contentment. Unfortunately there is a common acceptance in this society that some are ‘luckier’ than others- this is not the case- some have fortune because they have worked for it, and they have figured out where there directions, passions and strengths lie... attributes still come with problems; and problems come with attributes. I build my amazing life, my skills, my talents, my connections, my work, overcoming my problems and growing my ripples. I will not standby and tolerate people wanting to take that away from me, nor slight, demean or control others by not validating their achievements and growth; nor obstruct them for wanting to have more or be better. A little side note.. we don't get things we desire if we hate the people or situations that currently have them ;)
Twice in the last two weeks I have had conversations on the topic of 'wealth distribution' which got me thinking on a deeper metaphoric level. Wealth, value and success.. the internalisation of these qualities imo is far more important initially to a person's growth and vision than the external- yet it is often the superficial manifestation that people get hung up on. Obligation, duty, expectations to share- there are extraordinary pressures that can come with feeling flush let alone being flush; and the manifestations of luxury both external and internal. To be open, approachable and amicable; to achieve, to allow others access to our gifts, our energy and fortune- where do people receive recognition for the distribution of their spiritual or conceptual wealth? Sharing talent is the gift of those endowed with affluence (personal fortunes)... it can be found in places of 'poverty' and of 'hardship'. If society doesn't validate or celebrate 'fortune' and 'success' in her less literal manifestations; our extent of poverty is far reaching indeed. How do we enlighten people that 'wealth' is the responsibility of the individual? and how to we encourage people to value themselves and moderate feelings of guilt, self worth and obligation when there are excessive pressures to constantly give ones energy, ones resources and ones reserves?
We have interesting complications and they seem to be compounding quickly. Scarily- to undo this, the main work comes down with numero uno. Unhelpfully, people are scared to talk honestly about their feelings for it having consequence upon their jobs, their livelihood and their opportunities.. and well, there's not a lot of courage to speak out about being disgruntled or dissatisfied- the increase in cost of living doesn't just effect logistics it greatly effects freedom of speech. You want to feel personal achievement in a professional environment- well that ain’t going to come from a community where those cannot validate personal achievement within themselves. Here again, is why it is very important to define and follow doing the things you enjoy and that bring you happiness- personal sucess comes from ticking off and chasing those personal goals. I cannot stress highly enough my encouragement to those of creative and ambitious dreams- GET OVERSEAS and slide a 'Big Picture' jigsaw piece in there. Yes, I'm not encouraging fantasy, I'm actually working on a project which helps others who have desire and drive to do just that. Just as an artist has to walk away from an artwork to get space, reflection and perspective, a person needs experience in other cultures to get fresh outlooks on their life.
Above- glamping at Wadi Rum- A very big ginormous شكرا to Bespoke Hideaways, Discovery Bedu W.I.L.D & quite literally off.the.beaten.track under the stars in the desert of Wadi 🐫
I love being in a country where I am respected; as is- as a human who is presented well and who is striving to do her best. Little things can make me really warm. Travelling around Italy and having chocolatey breakfasts with decadent croissants, strong ass coffee and Nutella makes my little soul sing- I shit you not that you can get raised eyebrows and little interjected comments eating this in NZ... shall I tell more stories?- God forbid you feed it to your little ones in public arrfg. The Nutella or croissant, perhaps, not the coffee... but well, kiddies in Japan love that also and that brings up a story about hitchhiking in the Land of the Rising Sun with a Bichon Frise ricocheting around a smart car filled with oversized stuffed plushie-toys being fed ice coffee from a bottle... the things I experience hehehe!! Even though I don’t personally drink booze, I adored walking into a petrol station where ya can buy fantastic bread, cheese, meats and alcohol to put together a picnic or dinner on the go. God I laugh at what would happen if we attempted to implement this in my homeland- we are not even able to drink a wine on our own beaches or in our parks… Trust issues eh... This investment into others wellbeing gets on my nerves- ‘it’s not good for you’ so this has been put in place- now adhere to it or else. Excuse me? I’m intelligent enough to make up my own mind thank you, and I don't need your opinion; nor should I be penalised if I find that my choice is incorrect, NOR should our past misdemeanours hang over us like noose impeding being able to give things another try within fair appraisal. Ie. just cos one dickhead ruined it, doesn't mean we all need to suffer ta, or just because something shyite happens doesn't mean a new legislation needs to be drafted. Life is about having a little naughty with the nice no?, and shit. happens. Responsibility… why does NZ feel it’s up to others to control this?
We encourage people to capitalise on ‘Woe is Me’, we berate ourselves internally using ‘Intimidation’ and ‘Interrogator’ about our diets, choices, decisions and appearances. We 'Interrogate' others psychologically and through other means to share and distribute their resources. We ignore and act ‘Aloof’ to those who deserve credit, we ‘Interrogate’ each other though email communication rather than resolving issues and conflict face-to-face and use litigation and fear strategies rather than just being personable. We control our society though ‘Intimidation’ by imposing intellectual superiority upon those of lesser means and we give completely inappropriate strategies to those less fortunate and then un-empower them when they don’t reach impossible ideals.
Ironically for a country that is built with pioneer spirit from all nations (that includes present tense- it takes a huge amount of this to emigrate here); people wanting a new system away from established structures; we have become more repressive than the lands we have departed from. Like over protective and anxious shepherds incessantly corralling and protecting our flock; we meddle, we worry and we leave nothing to natural order. Hey!- the flock is smart & the flock has grown.. there are sheep, there are wolves, there are rabbits.. hell! There’s the whole damn ark (lol). This strangle-hold will prove to do no good. It's choice that defines progression- if people are not enabled to make these in variation, for better or worse, growth becomes stereotypical and stunted and learning is formulaic and limited. 'What will be, will be'... super close to 'Inshallah' ("God (Allah) willing" or "if God(Allah) wills").. there is method to these statements; there's only so much a human can manipulate.
Self assurance and harmony comes from balance and a sense that one’s energy expelled is evenly replenished with energy gathered & consumed. In Western society we individually give an awful lot of this away in our interactions. We are taught to radiate outwards, but I came to realise while in Jordan, and through personal experience- we are not encouraged to develop the skills on how to reflect that back inwards or to moderate and reserve this technique. Our emotional intelligence is criplingly low. Those places with faith; the concept of a power bigger than ego on a big community scale; a power which can replenish and help a person with things that they themselves can’t manage, enables a person to have a link to that returning energy loop. It also helps us when we are not as far out on the ripples to find appreciation and solidarity within where we are, while getting to where we want to be- i.e that by continuing to do our best with what is present we can work towards a better future… this requires managing emotions i.e not freaking out, remaining calm and not throwing toys out of baskets or at others; constantly reframing back to what is good- even if that's minuscule.
Using a coping strategy or being involved in an addiction, to whatever it may be that a person wants to refill that void with (the feeling of being zapped mentally and /or physically) to top up their energy is the physical manifestation of trying to tie back in that replenishment of energy and love. It’s essential to learn about our emotions and feelings in order to do this- a little faith and trust is required in ourselves and in things working out ok. That ‘f’ word- I’m not just talking of a religious concept of ‘faith’- but if one chooses so, that may be where they find that link to love. Personally I find that link back to my beliefs of something bigger without being associated to a particular doctrine, rather to many and within my own conceptual developments (that includes the science and medical doctrine toooo); and within the activities that facilitate me being able to connect into happiness and a greater sense of lightness- the sea, the air, speed, movement, creative output. However, creative output has an awful lot of external energy expenditure associated- it’s historically well documented how this and addiction go hand in hand- how many artists, dancers, poets and other magnificent minds can we name who use(d) vices?- is it no wonder within cultures that radically think outside the box we are finding increases in coping strategies?! Plus, we can’t take away everyone’s strategies and not help replace them with better ones now can we??!! Smoking a fag takes a much shorter time than teaching oneself how to recognise the rise, fall and patterns of one’s anxiety now doesn’t it…. although imo, it should be my choice if I want to stay with the fag option to start with… everything in moderation consideration… and not everyone has the capacity to want to change.
Middle Easterners do not expel personal energy in the same format to Westerners- they are far more discrete and reserved- and I would say far more emotionally intelligent when it comes to a level of selection about how and when they radiate their emotional investment into others. We hold perspectives of ‘repression’ and ‘restriction’; we judge from our own West view because we only understand how we ourselves live and behave- taking their reservation for oppression; thinking our way is the best way to be- but I think there is a lot of method here which is very, very valuable and very misunderstood… and faaaar more developed. Oh how the media loves to wangle the burka & hijab- in Jordan, there are people of a great cross section of contemporary and traditional identity choices. Again, what is not chic about having things reserved for those we have selected of value to share with? Fascinating ideas for humanity innit when we start seeing how people have evolved socially to live together- for how we keep ourselves well, and for how we can come to understand each other much better and ultimately diffuse conflict and self-righteousness.
Conflict- we would like to say this is external. West; we like to point fingers over there to Middle East when we hear this word, but boy oh boy, I tell ya, we have this in far more dangerous form in our Antipodean communities. They might have the physical amphitheatres and places where gladiators battled, they might have flash points of war currently- but we all have created the psychological war grounds; the media of our criticisms; our ideals and projections upon each other; tell tales and mistruths of disgrace and disesteem.
Equality v balance. We seem obsessed with striving for the former and we are quick to pronounce other cultures which we perceive to not have these ‘rights’. I see far more value in the latter; balance, than the former. I vehemently believe in fairness but equality? We have different strength and weaknesses from physical to intellectual; we should strive to highlight and celebrate our power not deficiencies. Womens rights, roles and liberty… there are different guises in different cultures of these- just because they do not look like our Western format does not mean there is not balance there. The women I spoke to in Jordan in no way felt repressed and were angry about the portrayal of this within the media- as were my fair sisters in Kashmir. Their value in their communities and families was celebrated- no, it’s not the 'same' at times to their male partners and colleagues- but they’re praised and valued; recognised and celebrated for their skills making quality of living equations. And all of this is changing- with more choices, more exposure to opportunities, they are making decisions for themselves towards their dreams and education while incorporating these into their customs and relationships… that takes a lot of changes to preconditioning… that’s a lot for any human to take on. As I’ve said before- I’m the alien in this new land- it’s up to me to modify and take things on the nose if needed while finding a place where I hold my values and identity also while being open to new perceptions.. interesting balancing games eh. Queen Rania of Jordan is a shining leader in women’s rights, education and empowerment and her contemporary views and style, both of concept and presentation, is leading strong and unfettered Jordanians into a bright and fertile future- God I admire this woman. Rome wasn't built in a day peps- good things take time.
The history within Jordan of previous civilisations is at times daunting, overwhelming and completely humbling. I was struck a little jaw-dropped-oogle-like in Petra, Jerash and latter in Rome. At the ancient city of Gerasa just outside Jerash. I’d come to an intersection (above)- a meeting place literally from the four points of the compass for traders to arrive from neighbouring countries and much further afield. As I looked down, the paving stones below had grooves; ruts from oodles of years of chariots, carts, barrows and feet. Humans for centuries moving over the place where I stood at that point- that’s a bit mind blowing when we unpackage it; people living, dreaming, doing things, loving, crying and evolving; millions of stories- all varied, all different, all unique. Coming present day, in 200 years, this progression, this evolution and this hunger for energy has taken an exponential curve upwards. We are all hungry, hungry for more-ness of everything... and even if you're not into the stuff- you're getting energy in and from other things, people and places.
Poppies- dem reds!
There is just so much variation here- from pristine beaches to the red sands and majestic rock formations of Wadi Rum; the ancient ruins of Petra to the seaside of ‘Aquaba. The variations of colours from light aqua’s and gem coloured blues to iridescent oranges, peach, magenta’s, violet's and the soft creams of stoned cities to the eye popping red’s due to the the filtered UV light. The quietest city I have ever visited; Amman’s sounds of birdsong and the calls from the mosques reverberate in my memory with happiness alongside the irridecent red poppies- there is a calmness that permeates this location which is heart warming. From breathing in the oxygen rich air of The Dead Sea and experiencing bobbing like a cork in the mineral rich water, to flying upside-down over the desert in a Hawker Hunter fighter jet and an Extra 300L… I can’t articulate how much fun and excitement THAT is... especially when ya've got the controls weeeeeee!… all I’ll say is MORE MORE MORE!! =^+^=
There is so much vibrancy, there is so much LIFE! There is so much fun, laughter, warmth and value here; it’s so very graceful- I hope my writing defames some of the fallacies floating around and alleviates inner concerns about coming to Jordan to travel and/or conduct business. You have nothing to fear. It’s just yum… doooo ittttt.
... how big is my baggage allowance?
New cultures, old cultures… when it comes down to it- biologically we are all made of similar stuff- BUT we have conditionings that are different; neural pathways and flash-points which are different. Varied orientations for energy needs and ways of sharing these; and contrasting ideas that we believe in- all this shapes how we can progress, what makes us tick or repells us and how receptive or defensive we are to new information. Communication delivery can make a ginormous difference- most people don't like being told they are ‘wrong’ or finding out that a thing or ideology they have believed in can be done a different way or that there are other means to an end- and people can’t do things when they are paralysed by fear. This can be confronting stuff. If however, we can take the fear associated with change away; if we can show opportunity for discovery by loosening off a notch, we can make headway into areas of productivity and development. Fear of the unknown, fear of letting go, fears of not having enough… fears of others getting ahead further than we are… fears of not doing the 'right' thing... those feelings all lie inside not outside. We need to talk, we need to encourage others to have opportunities to get together to discuss face-to-face our ideas, or tribulations; our concepts and honest viewpoints; we need to mingle. Trust in our good judgements not panic at prospective terrors, trust in natural order (NZ stop freaking out that shit would go chaotic if it’s left to develop without being nanny’d) and respect the intelligence of our world inhabitants and individual decisions.
The more people experience suppression, the more people want change, and this shows foremost within our youth. If we are not educated; emotionally educated as to how to deal with the rollercoaster of reorientation and the personal confrontation of difference, we will only fracture our societies rather than grow forwards with solidarity.
We are all Kings and Queens of empires- the personal spaces of our thoughts and emotional orientation, and ultimately the lives we live and the choices which define them. Act reverent, act with grace, act with faith in your decisions and be proud of what you have achieved and what you will make happen in the future. إن شاء الله
❤ ❣ شكرا جزيلا ❣ ❤
GTG- Going. To. Ground; the misunderstood baby of the Creative Process
Over the last eight months I decided to take a closer inspection of my personal creative process. A logical and systematic study of the methodology and symptoms of each of the passages I work through, in correlation with creative patterns I had already ascertained. Each time I decide what I want to achieve next, I go through this process. We all live an emotional line which waves and dips, yet I feel compelled to share my recognition of some of the more difficult side to being able to make ideas become tangible, because this part is very rarely discussed and I believe, it’s actually the most important and valuable part.
Each time incrementally the stakes get higher; as in I propel myself though a more challenging state of change with more audacious projects because the evaluation of my limits, the risk involved and skill base has changed and grown. These ‘states’ are not all pretty, and although there is a lot of understanding out there about making and creating; the therapeutic outlet or physical result and beauty of creativity, very few people talk about the complications and challenging passages within the same context. 'Creative Process' is just art wank snobbery- we all live this pattern in varying degrees; where I draw another does sums, where I fly another gardens... 'creativity', in my opinion, essentially is listening to yourself and what makes you fizz.
Growing up in Wellington, an uber artistic town, has given me a unique insight into how we think, make and behave, and how this works and shapes a community. What I have noticed through my own life, and by being gifted with the ability to critique and reflect on my own process is that the ‘down’ side is right where the intervention of medicine, detrimental clinical and social evaluation and the labelling of psychological ‘disorders’ or symptoms (either self diagnosed or external) can come in. Raise the hands for a stress jammer, a blank out, pain relief and a comfort giver; Western culture point ya fingers at eccentric, out-there, weird, crazy or sick. I think this is also why a lot of people hide away and deal with these patches in private- it’s not easy not having it together all the time, and who wants to open themselves up to others for judgement on top of it?!
In the past I have tried all sorts of different strategies for self-help in these times and it is in these periods that if the sensitive creative brain is allowed to go a little too loose in it’s own attempt to remedy itself, that the shit can start to go pretty pear shaped. The most powerful help is talking. Why I am talking and writing is because as we evolve and become better at doing things, humans also become less tolerant to fixing bumps with hard work and time and want easy answers to bad stuff which is the better-at-doing-things brother from another mother. Re: previous post, ignorant appraisal is undone by open communication.
In my teens after battling with depression I tried medication. I lasted about two weeks. It made me feel ‘just below’ the living line and it killed any type of colour or creative spark I had in me. I felt in a fog, I feel beige and my vision and recognition of colours and concepts slid off and was muted. But I also knew that my behaviour was not helping. I was drinking heavily, I wasn't sleeping, I was in a very complex living situation, having just turned 16 I was at university and working to support myself; diet was completely up the whack and I was partying like a ninja- wild extravagant awesomeness but with complicated repercussions. I knew by being honest with myself, that that spark was actually my ticket to life and that my conduct and the situations I was into needed to be adjusted, NOT the spark.
I knew what I felt and I knew I had to work through organising myself by doing the hard yards or the alternative was mighty unappealing, also I could see a pattern and was intrigued about it- I knew then that the dark was as valid a part of my gift as the light. Plus I came up with some pretty cool stuff in those patches. I also had recognition from within my family that this was something I could learn how to manage and use to my advantage- very important opportunity there. I was encouraged to understand and to sense what happened or changed within myself and to notice patterns. My family heritage is very scientific/medical/mathematical and very creative/artistic (Oh and racing drivers, an art historian, explorers, a prime minister and persons of political standing, gold miners, a land information strategist, a missionary to China, agriculturalists, a bareback hose riding milliner- and that's only a selection of recent generations...umm rather strong willed souls…) but on track, what I want to illustrate is that patterns of thought and emotion were already recognised within my family- coupled with a ‘get on with it and sort it out’ attitude. I could talk my way in and around a psychoanalyst like a corkscrew; it was up to me to get through this, tbh- no-one else had the skills because no-one else had the whole back history of what happened and was happening, and it was so goddamn unusual and complex by that time I couldn't be bothered trying to explain it all.
3rd stage of creative process is the ‘this is shit/ I am shit’ area, Otherwise known as ‘going to ground’, ‘working through the nobblies’ or ‘dropping out of the system’; its not really physical, this very hardest part of the process is psychological, but it does have physical fallout. It. Is. Really. Difficult. It is where questioning, doubt, anixety, freakouts towards self abilities, self loathing and the unnerving state of living with a different brain activity resides. It is dark, can feel unending and hopeless, and very confusing. To me it feels like being shattered and rebuilt; not only in the project, but in my spirit. It is an integral part of the process, yah, pain and payoff, but as I have got older I have recognised I can also do something productive and target a mental attribute in here alongside working on an idea. I go for something that’s hindering me, festering and is a part of my soul that needs to be unpackaged, remedied and resolved. Not fixed- it’s not broken, it just needs some attention. It is a roadblock to the other side; undertaking has an open-ended timeframe, there is no schedule within this sector; its a progressive process, and it is extraordinary mentally and physically draining, but there is a wonderful feeling of success by getting over the Bog of Eternal Stench. Actually- it really is just like getting held up with Sir Didymus chewing the fat.
Let’s call this ‘going to ground’ as GTG for the sake of my digits and getting this out eh!
The symptoms can be pretty terrifying towards the climax of it- it seems to have an upward bell curve. Exhaustion, excema, hypna and hypnogogic (a type of pre and post-sleep sensory hallucination/ audio/ dream state that happens on the edge of consciousness), muscular tension, cravings (for all sorts of things, other ideas; relief really, it’s the point where we hit being creatively over it), very little quality sleep once ya finally get in there aaand the ‘racing-head-state’. This is when it is in hyperdrive. It really is nuts over this period and it can be very scary; continually bouncing around contemplating and searching for things. Once the key emotional concept or idea abstraction has been resolved and illuminated however, quite literally overnight, everything clears up. Actually, that’s kind of scary also because you could really be forgiven for thinking this is all completely nuts- because it is conceptual. There is no physical ball clinking down a slide saying ‘HEY! Ureka! You got it!!’ I just know within myself I’ve had a ‘Ureka!’ and that the circle has past GO again.
Lets roll with this ball image. Because I actually visualise my ideas like that. When I am thinking about what I want to do next, what I'm aspiring towards, what helps others and what is challenging; + if it has become time for a very big overhaul then who and what I want to be, look & behave like, in come the balls and the basket.
I am not only thinking about what I want to achieve, but I am very detailed about aesthetics, logistics, practise and what I need to know within this too. Into the basket over the weeks, months and much longer, ‘big’ heavy ideas come down, quite distinct from general brain chatter ideas and fill it up, sometimes some get taken out and replaced with others, and other times a particular ball grows in complexity. Every day I take them out and play with them, thinking about the attributes and making physical actions towards the things I can do that add towards each. The basket slowly becomes filled with usually about 7 orbiting biggies which break down into more elaborate subcategories- ha, that took a while to figure the gauge. Yer, actually visualised in a whicker basket (my Nana and I used to collect flowers in it), each a different colour and moving, changing and dynamic like nebula. I can slide into each and see how they are progressing. They are things I am working on, things I want to do, make and achieve and all manner of other things, but there is also always one ball about my personal identity- which contains a quality I would like to better, learn, refine or remove and facets within this of my relationships with others, the environment and myself. The diversity of these keeps in balance my obsessive tendency by giving me the freedom to swap between things, especially if one has stalled... or perhaps just spread out that obsession lol
After each ‘project’ or transition, in a type of summary I file and shelve the baskets which pack down origami style from 3D to 2D and are organised into a big khaki metal filing cabinet ‘long term memory’… funnily from my dad’s office that I used to go to when I was a child... I wonder if the next generation thinks of an app logo?? I often go back in this space when I need to dig around for something and re-inflate baskets and withdraw balls. Sometimes searching for a tool or experience which can help in the present, sometimes looking for inspiration or a piece of the jigsaw for an idea. These are decades old- my memory is gargantuan and I can recall events, imagery, sensory incidents, ideas and thoughts back to being a very new infant- wooow I hear you say, yet this has very much been a double edged sword of a gift; it comes with recollection of every bad thing in just as vivid detail.
In my working headspace there are different baskets in circulation too, projects floating in foreground and background and they are not static, they elevate or diminish depending on requirements and validity. Most people try obsessing about an idea with total surrender or desire when they imagine their future partner; holding onto the concept and furnishing it over time. I have trained myself to do just this but over many diverse ideas & investments, and to sustain the development over months and often years. The cool thing about doing this is that these 'dreams', these ideas significantly impact what we do and who we are, because we collect and input activities and behaviours which match our vision. This is why I love encouraging people to find what they love, because by building towards something amazing, fun and great, it in turn helps the individual become just the same thing. Gawd, I could start getting really in depth, but I think it's best I keep to simple in this blog right or things are going to get sqiggly… and well, I prefer organically sharing things with people when the right time arrises within conversations that have relevance to the parties involved.
Dealing with festers, parts I don't like about myself and just general total questioning and tip-the-whole-fucking-thing-upside-down-and-shake-it-it-all-needs-to-be-rearranged mentality is what comes up in the already complex GTG area- yerp, when it rains it pours. Validating it is the mucho grande super key component, it becomes as important as the other balls. Over time, this allows me to come to a level of understanding about whatever it is that time and let it slide away. It’s like a pay-off. This process is only my process because of how I am built and what I can and cannot live with based on my morals and thought patterns, but I know others feel and go through a very similar pattern. My focus (interchange with obsessive nature- these qualities aren't to be scared of; they are mighty useful when channeled into the right zone and honestly, success comes snuggled up with addiction and obsession; it's a matter of dealing with it not being scared of it) knows that my brain needs a type of clarification or monkey chews in loop. I don't like loops, I like resolutions so I can grow into the next thing. Writing about this makes it sound if everything is judged and rigid but it’s not like that, less anal retentive and more playful organic perhaps. Planned and unplanned, flow & structure, control and fluidity; little curling mind waves. Sometimes resolution is quick, other times not so as it bubbles along at life flow.
Over the proceeding project and in the new idea phase, pointers and markers within me and my experiences direct me to what this next dark baby is. There is no question in my heart what it is by the time the balls are clear- there is actually no denying it within myself, and if I try to do so, things happen to very clearly remind me that I cannot wiggle away. In lieu of having bairns of my own I have behaved as if mother to my existence through my actions and my ideas- I think that's a rather wonderful way to exist and fascinatingly there are similarities in timeframe also.
Structured art making is the precursor to GTG. This is a happy and light stage; usually production of the resolution of ideas from the previous project experience, recently London and The Hague. In one light it is not the ‘real’ hard work. I would say that the sailing through the darker waters is actually the greatest art in itself, actually, lets go bigger than that, I really think the best art we make IS life, yes- we are all artists. 'Dark' is not necessarily sad either, it's a different type of energy or situation than that; it's like an emotionally dense and invested area- it can be happy but there is a lot going on.
In the past I have caused myself serious physical damage by not gauging what level of physical activity I can couple with my headspace at this particular time. I have realised I require habitual activities which are not high impact because I hurt myself if I do that- not in accidents but in quantity. I don't realise I’m pushing too hard because I’m trying balance out the level of stress and processing that’s going on in the noggin. Yoga, squash, cardio, swimming, and many others have been in that slot and although they work for the mental side, I have a tendency to take the amount into the extreme because brain is going gogogo- and so body gets pushed to gogogo also. I am a very tenacious animal. Incoming: collateral damage: I put my physical health secondary. Those activities I am passionate about can come back in at a different stage, but I have to be very aware within GTG what I choose and in what proportion. This time my new activities were teaching myself to ride my bicycle with no hands (that's around corners too) and standing tree pose for extended periods with my eyes closed. As I mature, I am better at being able to cut myself some cord and validate taking care of myself- but I think this is what is very challenging maybe more so for some of us than others. Yeah, yeah ‘take care of yourself’ we hear, um- yeah, I am trying to, but I don't have an off switch and I'm focused on bigger things.
Overall the whole system is quite balanced- hence my assimilation with yin and yang, juxtapositions and spectrums because this is a direct reflection of living for me- OOOooo idea! Love it.. hmm hate it… Ok, not so bad.. Ok yeah, really fucking love it! Yet, it takes exertion to get it circulating and keep it so; making choices to change and focus attitudes. Perhaps a more accurate image which correlates to yin and yang, is this system as like ascending a spiral staircase where the light bulbs have blown in spots; the stairs are still there it just takes care, use of different senses and a change of pace to continue escalating. Aim of the game is to advance and make the next progressive move in order to not be stuck on a landing on the same level, or dip backwards; all about timing and sometimes requiring hanging out for a while rather than moving. Duality is the nature of life; where in one place it is day, another has dipped into night. When one is happy, another is sad; when it is summer in one location, another shivers in winter; where a new life is born, another passes away. Without this darkness the very essence of creativity wouldn't exist as it is itself; the left to it's right, the hot to it's cold, the back to it's front.
Cognisant thought and vivid memory has at points made me scared in my life. I am super aware of my conscious; of decisions and why I am doing something. I can give you a very direct reason for every single decision dating way, way back and the ramifications and relationships that has to other components. That has been challenging in my life to learn how to deal with. Awake, and asleep- but what do you do when there is much more ‘awake’ going on and very, very little 'sleep'?! Well, you naturally want to knock yourself out a notch right. All of us do to a certain extent with anything that brings ease; everything has a time and place. We share a very basic primal need for hugs of brain and body.
Unfortunately because of the level of energy zipping in at times, sometimes the more gentle avenues of comfort don't work so well, and some things that others can use have disastrous consequences due to my mental and chemical make up or because I abused them in the past; i.e. sugar. I make my own choices on my own needs and feelings, but over the years not all of these were fantastic, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do and learn through the process. Looking at static sitting meditation for example, my tolerance is comparatively low. It took me a while to realise through all this guru competition and advice out there that my activities were meditation but at a different levels. The experiences I felt as I ‘popped to the left’ or found another space in my cognisant awareness where the motor was powering away in one room, but I had slipped off to another, was a powerful thing to realise. I have been immensely fortunate in my life to be able to fight for what I love, what makes me fizz and happy and hardline into these spaces. It is why I am passionate about helping others find what they adore also, because pinpointing a fizz = happy = learning & retaining = inspiration = healthy = constructive existence.
All the activities and passions I adore and have excelled at were initially introduced or imparted to me through people I have loved, admired and respected (or I was told I 'couldn't do it')- I think there is nothing cooler than being able to pass this type of connection and inspiration on to others. The only control one can have over these life changing meetings is by following what we love to become better and happier people- kinda simple equation aint it- yet the simplest things can often be the most challenging. Affluence affords the ability for a person to make more choices based on feelings rather than solving restrictions, but when you don't have this resource, nor emotional support to have the courage to fight for these pleasures, life becomes immensely more challenging and complex. A little encouragement, a little investment of one-on-one time, goes an incredibly long way in helping another find surety within themselves, their esteem and ideas, and ultimately their success. Interestingly however, life has a way of working with us and helping out with this equation the more that’s powered into it both in action and belief.
My church has two wheels, snow underfoot, clouds as the congregation and a pounding base line like a heartbeat as hymns. The infinite combination of inconsistencies and conditions are my playground and often the adversity of these combinations where I find delight. High winds, night-time, low visibility and howling storms bring me a sense of contentment and connection to being alive; immersed within the energy surrounding me and I perform better within this. The theatricality of my homelands' weather playing a huge part within my comfort and conditioning. I don’t care about where the 'creative process' leads, I just enjoy the moment it currently positions me within. What's the meaning to it all? I'm not interested in figuring that out, or, well there isn't one really to me- I just get on with it is as best possible; I love experiencing all the kaleidoscopic variations. Experiencing not recording- you won't find me with a Go-Pro or camera attached to me or posting heaps of action things- I'm playing not faffing and fucking around, and I'm not interested in participating with others who recording-shaking-their-tail-feathers comes primary to getting out there. Privacy and discretion are important qualities to me and who I am with at the time are the most important people who deserve my undivided and full attention.
I get bored by things I have followed through to fulfilment, or worked through previously, so crave the next step up. Actually I cannot keep humming harmoniously unless I continue to find the next step up because what worked in the past was a for a different me at a different stage, with a different set of variables. ‘Step up’ isn't necessarily an evaluated risk either, it can be, but it also can be just something different. I am far more interested in experiences rather than things and testing out knowledge or phycological tools- hence me shoving my gluttonous spectrum back into a nicer area, or maybe just internalising where it’s not so obvious lol. Actually I think I’m happy to admit that- I’m a mind pig. Sharing time is my #1 most valuable and luxurious commodity.
Determining a safe living environment is immensely important and challenging; predominantly because I do so many different things with a high proportion of change. This time it was much less about supplying and more about reduction or removing. The more you travel, the more you know you need less, and I get a great sense of satisfaction from resolving things using limited resources. I need a little stress to learn, but I am particular about why and where and how much, especially as I can veer quite easily into whoop-nelly-put-the-brakes-on-how-the-hell-did-that-all-get-there territory. Sometimes heart decisions propel me to do something that only later is revealed how important it was for me to jump at that time. Selling Maria on the way back from the Netherlands is a prime recent example. It felt right (in a sad way), the right people had come to light and the process was smooth, it was the ‘right’ thing to do on a emotional, logistical and financial basis, but it wasn’t until later I saw how not having access to being able to jump in my car was a useful tool; some of the best are the missing ones. My car had also become an identity hairy handbrake- I had grown through that woman and wanted to become my next incarnation.
The equation of boredom + self absorption + loneliness (not of people, it's a deeper current) + propensity for greed/ lust/ gluttony (ideas, information, and knowledge; consumption | production & receptor | creator out of balance) = Miss Murcott on the brink of a not good coping strategy and needing self intervention. Self intervention foremost- not action, information, or any other thing but to stop, un-package, breathe and give recognition to not feeling great- validation is tremendously important for me. Location: DEFCON 5; if I shoved anxiety or negative sensations under the blanket at this point I used to resort to a pervious not so good fill. That used to be hard when I was tired, stressed, confused/ feeling isolated; a little lost within an activity, been travelling for many hours or was in GTG. However, understanding this pattern was essential learning in order to become the woman I am, undertake the complex things I do, and develop further within the lifestyle I adore. Most of the time I succeed, and on occasion I epic-ly flop but Ill let ya in on something, as soon as we can define and talk about something, very quickly that thing starts to diminish and become manageable. Without these qualities, I would never have become so good or tenaciously invested into things in the first place; often the compulsion to do something amazing comes from the fire/ anger/ pain of something quite opposite.
Oh, but wait, if you're thinking this is elaborate enough there is another pattern that is added to this as a woman. The monthly cycle of hormonal, physical and emotional complexities associated to just being born in these amazing bodies. What is depression, what is pre-menstrual tension, what is related to the idea, what's just grumpy tummy?! We are built to be the greatest creators of our species, but this comes with intricate attributes. It is like a giant tapestry of different lines of coloured emotional flux and wane; incredibly complex and unique to each of us. Unless I wanted a catalogue of definitions, I was quite happy to discard the labels; rise to the challenge and navigate each day, each combination with it's own countermeasure. The recognition of these patterns are as important as the former- because yes, at some point both GTG and this will align, and whoah nelly that’s one to sail.
As a woman creative in particular there are interesting additional challenges related to this existence, but where I found strength because early on it was like ‘so, we are trying to medicate the essence of what I’m born as/ with?!’. If you know a young creative, perhaps now with a different perspective, the challenges of not only all this, but the pressures of identity, body image, bullying through social media, a recording device every turn just ready to catch you as you discover, explore and play; societal pressure to behave and look a certain way, oh plus figure out what you do and are of corse; you can seriously be forgiven for transgressions no? Actually I think we have a bigger problem with the next generations in that they are too scared to actually let loose. Because what you learn in this necessary process is that you are not the centre of the Universe, no-one really gives a shit and that ya need to get over yourself. Doing something a little too much and going a bit far teaches us a very valuable lesson involving ego and entitlement- a young person can't get this 'oh!' if they can't push the envelope.
There is absolutely no question that there is a particular demographic and profile which is more susceptible to having some complicated challenges, but they are only that. Attributes come with problems, and problems come with attributes. 'Naughty' more often than not, is 'bored' and 'mighty smart' in a misunderstood and frustrated package. I used control over my weight and body image as a young person as a tool for me to retreat back into working with and untangling the first puzzle I had be born with; I wasn't ready for round two at age 10. Nor for the revelations of quite unusual gifts and the awareness that came with so young. My revenge upon the world for complicating my existence by giving me all these cool qualities but quandaries that went with, was to take that fire and turn it internal. It’s hard to talk as an adult- but yet we expect a child and teen to be able to articulate intense feelings from complex circumstances?! It's not an unusual tactic for smart cookies to resort to behaviours which alter sensory perception in the attempt to reprogram themselves and find contentment- strategies that with the influx in accessible information/ knowledge/ introspection and loneliness, will become more and more prevalent within society as we progress. If a person is making stuff or participating in forms of expression; i.e. changing and playing; they're feeling things- these creations say a huge amount about how they are processing life- less focus on the stuff, more on the feel.
All of this sequence recognition takes a significant amount of time, modern world you just don't like this. It also takes a huge amount of faith and belief in personal processes and composition. Some physical; anatomical, biological and hereditary, some cerebral and sensory, and some esoteric. I believe that no way is 'the' way, we are all made up differently- no metaphysical, therapeutic or psychological way by itself has all the answers because that is hooning in one direction with blinkers on. Many terms and classifications are interchangeable too; they are the same thing from different angles. Plus, science has no grasp on feeling- we are utterly unique in how we individually perceive this, there are many variations in intensity and subtle differences between qualities. It takes recognition and use of the whole system together to get this human safe and healthy.
Life can be pretty hypocritical; many 'bad' things are 'good' in different packages, it's just society has attached stigmas associated to one and not the other. My reality sees it that if something is enjoyable and productive then it is valuable, I make my own opinion about whether a tag is relevant. I wanted to learn about myself and who I am by doing the hard yards because I knew I could make myself well, and that the well went with the unwell hand-in-hand. I think this is where the modern world is getting to a bit o’ a problem. We are well and unwell, but people would rather not admit that. There is a lot of fear and competition about pain. A traumatic life experience for me may be just as significant and as painful to you as burning the cookies with all sorts of expectations and pressures tied in. In my experience, the proportion of trauma is always balanced out by periods of healing; what goes up, must come down and vica versa. When a child is screaming after falling over and grazing their knees, we instinctively give love, compassion, recognition to the experience and validate that they are hurting- why is it that as adults this pattern is forgotten? It is only the ego that has an age- the soul is still the child wanting a hug and to be told it's ok.
“We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.”
A huge reason why I went to Japan was because my soul was missing a jigsaw piece of a spiritual element, and I knew it was there. I don't know how, sometimes I just know things; I completely trust my intuition for my requirements. We all have special gifts for our stories but there is a vast amount of work involved in order to hone them. 'Follow the dream', hmm, that always sounds like there is a trail to follow, where I see it as a seek-&-discover and a build in progress through choices. I have resolved many dreams and mastered different vocations (or portions of bigger visions depending on which perspective is taken); one of my special knacks is that I relish, enjoy and seek growth through change. My life has taught me that you can do anything you set your mind to, but it works like a ripple; each layer building upon the former. My mind may be set on something, but my spirit is the one to guide me through the paths to achieve it. Going gang busters independently from very young has meant my boundaries and seeming limitations have been tested differently to the average and I have learnt and honed a sense of sureness in accordance to this. There is validity in a great variation of purposes, but the individual has to sharpen a sense of intuition in order to learn how to trust themselves through making friends with their mind. Couple that with passion, timing, attitude, tenacity, optimism and woooork, and you've got special sauce in the mix. What cannot be overlooked however, is what price are ya prepared to pay for that vision? There is always consequence.
Please lets be clear, I am not denying the benefits of medical or clinical intervention, actually quite the opposite- make up your own mind, but we can mend ourselves much better than most people realise. A closer inspection of a need may highlight that a resolution lies in an alternative avenue; just as constructive but without profiteering and fear attached alongside. And without blanketing the emotion or transferring it, rather un-packaging and recognising it; although sometimes we need to procrastinate or chip off a portion in order to get somewhere, and to have fun! Unorthodox often gets slagged as radical or reactionary- but remember, what is now considered 'normal' at one point itself was unconventional. What works for me, won’t be for another because this thing called life is totally unique with a personal collection of skills, viewpoints and things that have happened along a lifetime. I’m shining light on something complex, misunderstood and rarely discussed because when we hear something that resonates with our stories, it has a profound effect on not feeling so much like a satellite. That can be one sentence in a 1000, it doesn’t need to be the whole heaving set. Or another persons experience can ignite an ‘ahuh!’ set of dot connects inside which is coooool as.
Who I meet along my journey is far more interesting to me than what I accumulate, and those things I do adore I share, use as tools, get the best that I can at the time, play with without abandon and really, really enjoy. Do it once, do it right (and maybe repeat if it's really really great hehe). I have been radiantly flush and I have been stone cold broke for long periods, but often in those latter patches they were the times of the greatest happiness; regardless of either situation I am far more 'rich' than any sum could denominate. I totally fucking feel that- no. bullshit. You can strip me of everything (been there on more than one occasion) and it would now have absolutely no effect upon my mental health or ability to live, survive or rebuild my life. My existence is one of ultimate luxury because experience and connection is my gold and I let nothing define me. Don't get me wrong- I love cash, it's totally necessary and an awesome thing- you're not going to find me in a free-love commune (yeah, tots not my thang); I like commerce. But if I hadn't taught myself to let go of the worry associated with it, I would not be able to focus on elaborate long-term projects because they'd always be undermined by lack of funds.
I wasn't always this way- actually quite the opposite as is the case with taking on most big curves, life can be confusing and contradictory at times. I choose to do this, to challenge myself, to see what happens and how I feel if things drastically change because it makes me confront myself and my priorities. I have been selfish, belligerent, ungrateful, vicious, egotistical, confused, greedy and gluttonous, materialistic, unbalanced, with almost non existent self esteem, broken, lonely, unhealthy and very miserable at times within my life. Some of the most valuable qualities to me now have come from being their opposite and converting them with a desire and dedication to be better. Without 'bad' qualities recognised and in their working uniform, nothing amazing can happen at all; without 'want'; desire or a certain variety of greed, we cannot be better, or be compelled and driven to ambition. Without covering my lack of self esteem at some points in my life with ego, I wouldn't have had the courage to jump when I had to; without at times being self centred, well, I wouldn't have survived- it's just becoming more aware of ourselves though experience, trial and error and testing those boundaries that we can recognise what things really are, where they sit on those shoe lace spectrums and how to navigate, develop or reduce particular attributes. Everything has it's reason for being useful.
Living fluidly doesn't control what emotion gets thrown in on the journey either, it's a case of just sorting it out as it comes; unconventional lifestyles have unusual complications and pressures. Yet, humanity is forgetting that well behaved and ordinary does not make history. With a predilection for critical attitudes and an obsession with flawlessness and rivalry we have a bloody tough environment for kids (adults) to learn who they are and find a unique voice. Time to get uncomfortably comfortable. What happens in my brain by collecting these black ants in white rectangles and sharing them is as magic as what then infiltrates and bounces around in yours after reading. Sharing is caring, but what level of censorship or authenticity this has can make a fundamental difference to whether anything sticks, is beneficial or ignites a spark of inspriation.
‘Going to ground’ resolves itself; it is finite, and it’s followed by ‘This is fucking cool…again’. It is inevitable as the wheel turns, a lot of getting though is just holding on and having the tenacity to not give up or have a wobbly and discard the basket. If the basket is filled with true heartfelt idea loves then they will pull though. It is a just a matter of time, a matter of process and a matter of continuing to make small steps of work towards them through what is presented in the forefront of life within this. What we learn in any undertaking is far more valuable than the thing or result; realisations and epiphanies which shape and refine us. There is method to the madness within this also, if something isn't gelling, leave it lie for a bit, pick up another ball and have a play and see what grows furry in the meantime and pops out of brain chatter.
Humanity enables history to repeat itself because it is all most expect. There has to be faith in what is extraordinary before any pattern or proof in this configuration revels itself. It is there, and it is as fundamental as the molecules that connect us, the world and the Universe, but it requires dedicated energy towards deflecting sabotage, and defence from external and internal attack. We get thrown new and repetitive challenges and tricks to entice us off path, or see whether we'll throw a wobbly; another round on the landing or 'ohh, no, did that last time, new solution required' situations. Every few months over the lat nine I have been tempted by job offers at Peter Jackson's Weta Digital- little fork-in-the-road-carrot-dangles, often appearing right after having gone through a challenge with what I have been focusing on, and initiating me to evaluate my investments and aspirations. Pressure of modern society can easily spark jitters and financial matters can sway many people, but man made paper (eesh, its not even that anymore; numbers and electrical currents) i.e.; cachinga, is not what makes the world go round. Money is not the dominant energy. An idea, a desire, helping someone ya do or don't know, breaking a habit, political change, fixing the leak, resolving an engineering problem, breaking a habit, a pinpointed strategic and productive response to a facet of the changes in climate we are experiencing- it all starts in this pattern with making the next right step for what we are doing at the time. And I'll tell ya a biggie- helping others and changing the world for a better place starts with learning how to change and better ourselves.
People say "well I'm not going to do that, because it won't work and I'll get hurt because I have been hurt every other time". Unless ya leap you don't get rewarded with a fucking awesome that sometimes comes with a little side dish of bad- but once you have had a fucking awesome, you just want more of it, so the bad becomes easier to tolerate. Constitution gets stronger, human gets more prepared and focus is driven on the benefit not the fallout. 'Tackling Life 101' through the metaphor of eating from a dodgy street vendor- delivered by Captain Moxie hot and steaming- eesh lol 'av a laugh, it's not like we get out of life alive!
Now is explained and organised by now- not yester-hour, day, or year. What history has recorded is to learn from, be that as it may, it is only the publicised view of the particular power of the period. Egypt: incredible superpower in it's time- but Tutankhamen may have been a replica of a USA presidential candidate member for all we know. We have no idea what records of amazing events and discoveries were destroyed or controlled by authorities that had more influence. Imagine living in the future and defining and directing events working from our current media situation. Salacious, all the 'its's and 'ism's, bigoted, twisted, distorted; and not what a great proportion of intelligent minds of our time agree with- incredibly dangerous stuff. It's the kid at school who couldn't play Chinese whispers nicely and was too craven to be sincere.
I recently watched Michelle Obama being driven around the Oval Office grounds in a car pool situation with a celebrity singing to pop hits like Beyonce and Missy Elliot, when Boom, Missy appears in the back seat. Three quarters of my friends were adamant she was in the car and it was real, until I pointed out the very faint differences of colour gradient in the back window, the green screen residue cut-out of the superimposing of images together, and the fact that Michelle and her movements were never seen in the same shot- i.e. it was an actresses hand that had been inserted. How easy it is for a person's truth to be constructed, and what's the collateral? If it has importance to them and their journey, does it matter if it is real or manufactured? Needing to think that Missy and Obama were in the same car together may have relevance to propelling a person to do something extraordinary further down the line.
In the same situation, Michelle had just talked about how she was off on a tour of the Middle East promoting education of women and unobstructed access to information. So, encouraging a different culture to conform to a another's without regard to the social construct of female/ male relations and roles?... And because educating everyone is all fantastic right? Because there aren't elements of doing that that make another a rebel and revolutionary (to their partners, their families, their community)... but hold on, so this informed and aware Libyan woman is now thinking and digesting incredible (uncensored?) information and doesn't agree with or take interest in the prepackaged stuff she comes across and seeks her own truth for her own culture... Oh, right, now she has become a terrorist.
When I travel I am no longer a New Zealander, I consciously attempt to leave my preconceived notions in one corner of myself while I absorb, assimilate and acquire things which are radically different and opposite to who and what I 'am'. I am changing, but I'm not requiring others to do so. New culture, new religion, new location, new rules, new role; scrub the pre-existing format. This behaviour is the action of what everyone demands, yet seem unaware of how to procure; why would someone give respect if it is not shown in kind? We talk of 'globalisation' and of 'free sharing', yet those who are in positions of authority proclaiming liberty are not the fair children from the sandpit who shared their time and talk, toys & sandwich with their dark skinned Muslim friend from Asia. Peoples' people are much easier to find, try your bartender, your shop assistant, your nurse and those at the frontline of service. Globalisation starts with interaction; it starts with sharing that peanut and jam, and I am proud to say NZ, you are well on the path with this as a truly multicultural, celebratory and inclusive society, but on a global scale, ooph I shudder. Globalisation? Ya want the resources but not the problems? The wheel of fortune has never liked veracity and propaganda comes in the most silky of packages.
As of this week I have pushed through a rather nuggety patch for a little while at least. I have come to understand a game plan much better and the equations of what propel me to undertake different behaviours and new actions which have beneficial outcomes. I have made space within myself for improved and alternative information and continued working forwards, helping others in the process. I am immensely grateful for where I am, what I have and that I am me. Now it’s time for the next passage, enough naval gazing, yer, completely inherent to this cycle but all within balance and in it’s own time.
Right, brain, who feels like a game of ball bingo?!
☯
...
Each morning
I knit the chasms as best
I can manage
Slip stitch over rivers of
pain
sadness and self loathing
Rushing torrents with
Rapids
Crashing and raging below by the evening
At torrential full current
relentless hours of navigating boulders, hidden branches and debris
I go under
and pop back up
Weak, limp and battered
I pull myself to the cliff top
Night a gamble of refuge or ambush
The New Day
Gratified with the sun beating on my face
a
moments
reprieve
Head bowed with relief, respect and regard
Experience does nothing to harden me
by breaking me
as I crouch damp and dripping;
Some mornings
I never completely dry
My heart seeping as I leap from the cliff arms extended with defiance
Cat and mouse that torrent plays with me
And one day I will not resurface
But what she does not realise
That every crack becoming me
the shatters and shards
Fragment into less human
More water
Open weave
Refracting light
𝒞𝓊𝓇𝓇𝑒𝓃𝓉𝓁𝓎 𝓁𝑜𝒸𝒶𝓉𝑒𝒹 𝒾𝓃:
𝓙𝓪𝓹𝓪𝓷 | 2014
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