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Moena Moxham

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Jerash- Inhabited since the Bronze Age, it’s known for the ruins of the walled Greco-Roman settlement of Gerasa just outside the modern city.

𝓞𝓯 𝓚𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 & 𝓠𝓾𝓮𝓮𝓷𝓼 & 𝓚𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓭𝓸𝓶𝓼

May 30, 2017

🇯🇴 The Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan 🇯🇴

Beautiful Amman- looking over the Hashemite Plaza

Civilised, gracious, genteel, cultured, historical, expansive, and sophisticated are only a few of the adjectives that come to mind when I think to describe Jordan and the unrivalled authenticity and kindness of Arab hospitality. 

Jordan is chic, and Jordan is very, very special. 

Firstly however I would like to personally thank all the magnificent souls who took their time to share with me their energy, knowledge and the wonders of The Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan and Arab culture. To His Majesty King Abdullah II and her Majesty Queen Rania. To Eugene DeMarco, Her Excellency Lina Annab, Nadine, Mohammad, Ghazi, George, Raja, Hamsa, Samer, the Royal Jordanian Falcons. To the guides, and the fantastic hospitality from the accommodations I stayed… and special mention to Munther for being so immensely accomodating to our last minute changing of plans… tollerance level shinning golden! I was delighted and privileged to have the opportunity to come and discuss business endeavours and creative opportunities with you all. I am thrilled to find Jordanian resources well suited to the projects I have under development and to additionally find these facilitated and supported by like minded passionate individuals with vision; these are unique and valuable circumstances.

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‘Mandala’, Gilt framed, dupion silk- padded when mounted, gold foil screenprint, embroidered signatures, (image) 450 x 500mm, 2015, 2/5.Signature embroidery detail:Gold M(oena) M(oxham) reflected 'knuckles' logo and Japanese Moena Moxham: Mo-e-na Mo…

‘Mandala’, Gilt framed, dupion silk- padded when mounted, gold foil screenprint, embroidered signatures, (image) 450 x 500mm, 2015, 2/5.

Signature embroidery detail:

Gold M(oena) M(oxham) reflected 'knuckles' logo and Japanese Moena Moxham: Mo-e-na Mo-ku-sa-mu

萌名 木作夢 = Crush (as in the manga infatuation), Name, Tree, Make, Dream

Earlier this month I was delighted to be invited to attend a private audience with His Majesty King Abdullah II and Her Majesty Queen Rania. My artwork ‘Mandala’ was purchased as a gift to be presented to the King and Queen.  

A mandala (Sanskrit: मण्डल, lit, circle) is a spiritual and ritual symbol in Hinduism and Buddhism, representing all existence. In common use, "mandala" has become a generic term for any diagram, chart or geometric pattern that represents the cosmos metaphysically or symbolically; a microcosm of the universe. Mandalas often exhibit radial balance.

The term appears in the Rigveda (an ancient Hindu collection of Sanskrit hymns) as the name of the sections of the work, but is also used in other religions and philosophies, particularly Buddhism.

In various spiritual traditions, mandalas may be employed for focusing attention of practitioners and adepts, as a spiritual guidance tool, for establishing a sacred space. They are used as an aid to meditation and trance induction.

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Before I get on a roll, lets additionally clarify a little of the miss-information floating around about this country and locale though yar. I know first hand what it’s like to be geographically miss-located by association. New Zealand often gets attached to Australia (nooo.. we are not that little island down there- that’s Tasmania) or mysteriously placed up there with Switzerland in Europe (I know… it sounds a little like that doesn’t it lol), Jordan often suffers being lumped in with ‘troubled Middle East’. 

It. Is. Not. It’s a forward thinking, safe, developed and delightful culture- quite unique unto it’s own. 

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It’s tight quarters, with Syria and Lebanon to the North, Iraq to the East, Saudi to the South and Palestine, Israel and Egypt to the West- this area is one of the longest populated anywhere in the world. With artefacts and cultural remnants dating back over 10,000 years, this family has long standing provenance. One, which I would like to point out over those with a mere 150 or 300 years of colonisation; a bit more experience in living together. I balk at the audacity and arrogance of those with less experience and their endless opinions about what is happening in this part of the world- those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones- certainly not at those who have foundations that go back as far as these guys do. 

I’ve realised some rather interesting things in my time here in Jordan and they pertain to how we interact and empower each other. 

My culture’s conflict has an awful lot of basis in possession. It dawned on me one day in Amman that this really is not the fundamental kernel of what is happening here in the Middle East. Conflict has basis in interpretation; in semantics, in the details of how things are understood- there’s a lot of intellectualisation about particulars. 

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I was fortunate one afternoon in-between my scheduled meetings to have the opportunity to visit the Jordan Contemporary Art Museum. It followed on to being invited to attend workshop afternoon with visually impaired children and the opening of the museum's latest curation (above). It was here I had a fascinating conversation with an Arabic calligrapher (1st & 2nd photos) about the details of Arabic language. Taken by Burmese in the weeks prior while travelling in Myanmar I had also fallen for Arabic- phonetic sounding/ symbol based recognition languages are my thing. In two days I had accrued the basics but was totally captivated when this man explained to me the following: marks placed above the script can define whether the word or concept is imaginary or literal. 

An excerpt taken from 'The Subjunctive Mood in Arabic Grammatical Thought', By Arik Sadan, which I got submersed within in along my travels researching Arabic.. what a language huh!!

This blew my mind- he went on to discuss with me the formalities of brush strokes, the precise rules applied to the inclination and angles of the marks; the spacing; the thickness of line. Reminiscent of the formalities of Japanese script I was totally and utterly absorbed for two reasons- one, the beauty of the thing in itself and 2, because it gave me insight and perspective to the psychology of how this culture thought and the rules and parameters they feel are apparent within their historical structures. 

Cheers Wiki for this little nugget of fascinating info..

This meeting also coincided with me finding great similarities in what is considered ‘Contemporary Art’ in older established societies and the techniques these places are using to teach young minds. That afternoon I was able to discuss observations from my travels and my experiences with scholars and those to the learned level of doctorate. Both in India and in Jordan, there are distinct categories of expression which were, and are, considered modern artistry. A derivative Cubist style, a geometric block coloured and textural expression, loose lined sketching, naive illustrative figurative works, poetic form cast in bronze, narrative illustrations upon ceramic.. and a few others. Consistent and parallel themes, and in some ways this could be construed as formulaic demonstrations of beauty. ‘This is considered acceptable’, ‘this is considered Art’, ‘this is how we do it’. 

Watching the children in the workshop I considered my finding from India, now in Jordan and compared them with my culture. Was history repressing the ability for those here in older cultures to break out of set appreciations of ‘Art’ and expressive formula? Are these kid encouraged to make what they feel or are they being told what it should look like? How does a culture steeped in historical ideals of what is good and what isn’t take on radical and unusual deviations from this.. how does a new generation influenced globally by different media find a platform where their work is considered ‘good’ outside what is currently appreciated and has been so for many, many more years than elsewhere, and how does a young person wanting to be educated and find success within a system find a unique voice without being rejected from the structure which he/ she is being taught within… If I thought my country at times could be rigid and conservative I had just encountered a whole new challenging system. I also thought- how does a relatively new culture establish avenues for recognisable distinction within creative expression and how do we educate people to the long term values of craftsmanship and creative outlet?

The Roman Theatre, Amman

That night I was wandering the streets down Rainbow Road and I was people watching; a favourite past-time. When Jordanians interact, it’s hard to perceive what is going on within the interaction. Ok, there can be hand waving, there can be different intonation and louder speech- but the energy exchange between two people, on average is very, very even. (* note- hand waving, yelling and loud talk does not mean the person is radical or violent- it just means they are impassioned &/or demonstrative- thanks media for mudding the water on that for viewers) It’s hard to tell who has the upper hand shall we say. Often when we communicate- we can see a dominant party, or one that is submissive to the others, or the appearance of power-play being employed. Culturally we have different ways of coming together anyway- like in India, interaction can be all balls blazing from the outset and then we work our way back down to mutual respect. In Arab interaction- there is much less crackle and fizz and more even respect.

The following day, I had the opportunity to talk with a man further about my observations. I’d watched a particular theme play out two times in the morning which I’d pointed out to him- once between two men at a kebab stand and another time between another group of men setting up stalls at Jerash. What looked like from the external display to be some type of heated discussion about a thing (the lamb and the beef in the first case, and the items in the stall in the second) was actually about the particulars of the details. The first men were discussing the better qualities of the meat and the second the particular correct placement of the stand and the items. Less literal about the stuff and more about the particulars… interesting spill over into the religious quarrels surrounding this area also.. it’s not about the Quran, it’s the interpretation of the messages within yar..

Is this not what happens as we get older? We get more particular about our perspectives, more entitled to our point of views, more rigid in our perception of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’; ‘good’ and ‘bad’ interpretations… we get grouchier about being confronted about these boundaries being criticised also…? It’s a hard thing to break out of system when we nit pick the details and impose controls yeah; but is this not a battle that we as humans have a daily self responsibly to consider opposing or contesting? Why.. I’m always asking why… and I can be juvenile of mind. I flick my concepts around play them out and I don’t settle for what are other people's ideas; I refuse to feel obligation or duty to ‘be’ or think a certain way. In other words- I don’t believe the hype and I don't do what I’m told is ‘correct’… oh what a luxury huh. Yes, it is a luxury to have had the opportunity to grow myself up making choices to being able to think & ultimately behave this way. 

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Above- Petra. A very special mention to Adeeb Alhasanat from Jordan Inspiration Tours who's knowledge about this area is vast and is a fantastic representative to impart information about the culture of Petra and it's former and current inhabitants- I highly recommend him and his company. 

These older cultures on some levels can be rather serious and I considered why I assimilate so well with the playfulness of Asia. One, the belief systems align more to my values and two, well, they are far more ‘young at heart’ in a way. Creativity and that inner child come hand in hand. In order to think outside the box we need to be avant-guarde, we need to be able to take calculated risks, and we need to not be confined by constraints, rules and judgements. It’s very hard to do something new and revolutionary if people freak out about stepping outside what is established or recognised as 'acceptable'.

Ironically- my culture, although it appears to be laid back and relaxed (touted as a breeding ground for 'creativity') employs the highest level of psychological warfare I have ever experienced in any culture, anywhere in the world. Control comes in dangerous and subliminal form and restrictions are imposed everywhere. Here's an interesting thing though- it’s kryptonite for most Kiwi’s to not be liked; to not keep the waters even in their social systems and community; we don’t like obvious displays of conflict. We excel internationally because of this- we work hard and we are amicable but there’s a rather sinister side to all of this too- we are incredibly manipulative. Our society has many controls, but we learn how to to navigate and break them, not very pleasantly this comes with learning how to navigate a person also, we like put downs, we like perfectionism, we like making people do things one way and not show above this and we like blame and excuses. We have a problem with celebrating success and we undervalue people and skill... especially the accumulative and transferrable varieties. We perpetrate the mistruth of ‘luck’ and miss-inform people that we can all achieve profound fortune. That's a heavy load- yes, choice defines our direction, but I in no way believe we can dictate all of our decisions- we must work from what we have in the current situation. Ripples- build upon ripples. Is it any wonder our society is un-empowered- we constantly feel we can’t get it ‘right’, people feel bumped from all angles- internally and externally. Personal greatness comes in many forms… some doesn't look too flash to others… 

Interrogation- predominantly utilised upon ourselves is reflective of intellectual snobbery and subliminal superiority. It creates crippling self-doubt within ourselves and creates shockwaves of insecurities within others. Through this, we penalise those less ingenious from trying to just get the job done in the manner they choose to try and do it. Not eating the right diet? not going to the gym enough? not doing the ‘right’ things with our kids? No rego, no permit, no degree, no prior experience... just not sure? With all this external expenditure of energy into other people's business or the surety of our own, it’s no wonder we feel depleted and in need to reach for things or people to fill these voids & cracks. 

Was it Tom Cruise's character in Eyes Wide Shut that said something to the effect of 'morals are the obsession of the middle class'...? A heinous statement in some respects but one with validity all the same. When you're hungry, desperate or have 'nothing to loose' or, you make the rules, or can buy your way through them, you're not obsessing about strategising alternatives. Get the job done the way you choose with certainty. Self doubt, complacency and indecision is more harmful than anyone else's opinion. 

The Children's Museum- Amman. Thought provoking and with colloquial delivery alongside appropriate examples pertaining to Arab culture- this is one cool assss learning spot.. shuffle over little ones, big kid wants to play too! Incorporating inspirations directly from Queen Rania, her vision has created a five star space for young and older alike to learn things about ourselves, the community and our environment.

Welcome Home.. I’ve been in New Zealand under 4 1/2 minutes, arriving in the wee hours after traveling long haul from Amman to Abu Dhabi, Abu Dhabi to Brisbane, Brisbane to Wellington. I’m hangin’ out at the baggage carousel; a lady walks past me and remarks about my attire. 'Well ain't you underdressed for this city love, you’re going to have a few problems’ she remarks towards my sleeveless red playsuit and referring to the nipply temperatures awaiting outside- to which I happily giggle and reply 'I'm a Wellingtonian honey; we're built tough & we like it chilly!’… inwardly groaning and in the back of my mind thinking.. umm nup, this has actually been perfect for travelling 25 hours..?!

Excuse me?- Who are you?! And why should I even feel compelled to gratify you with a response? Imagine if I hadn't been from Wellington- what a way to say 'Welcome!' no?! You are certainly not really worried about my comfort for you would have offered me a coat, and if you had wanted to have a conversation, I believe you may have slowed down rather than commenting as you walked past- jealous perhaps; can’t quite bring yourself to say- ‘I like what you are wearing’ so feel the urge to drag me down to gain a little power play.. yesss now I think we’re onto it.

Ironically this little interaction was actually perfect timing towards my mullings and musings. 

Psychological warfare, power-play, control, interaction, expression and identity. I’ve learnt amazing things and recognised validity in my observations over the years in the last three months, but unfortunately they don't play out too great for my loved homeland. 

The four main controls: ‘Woe is me’, ‘Interrogator’, ‘Intimidator’ and ‘Aloof’. Fascinating strategies huh… but lets take a closer look at what these really mean in society today shall we, because the outward use of these on each other is really nothing to what we are doing internally either. We like the concepts of doing good here in NZ and of karma, but we are crap to ourselves… that’s just as bad as hurting another yeah nah yeah!

The example above was a rather timely illustration of ‘Interrogator’. Putting someone else down in order to gain a feel good boost by taking a stance of superiority. I feel this lady felt she had it all together- she was prepared and had supremacy to my inadequacy in her eyes. Strategies employed upon another give an interesting indication towards what that person likes to pull upon themselves also- for many people don’t differentiate between personal/ professional, internal/ external, expressive/ intellectual. I feel for her children, I feel for her colleagues, I feel for her- my, my her standards are high. 

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Unusual? No. In Kiwi-land this type of interaction is rather common place. People’s level of interactive entitlement and self-righteousness is higher than anywhere else in the world; it’s not unusual for people you've never met to lean over and interject, fling a passing comment or add their two cents worth. MOST times these are kind, helpful, funny or build a sense of camaraderie, but they can be quite the opposite also and it’s out of your control if and when it’s going to happen to you. There can be something rather disconcerting about having to deal with this when ya leave the house. This doubt, these seeds of uncertainty can become poisonous to those who can remember and collect them. Feel those daggers in your back when you're dressed to impress? They might was well be real in this country because I would argue- that sensory pain does far more longterm damage than what that wound feels like in actuality because of how we comprehend and understand it.

Sisters only separated by sea

Happiness and a sense of elation is a sign, recognised the world around of success. An outward display of personal contentment and joy; a thing of beauty and to be celebrated. In NZ this is actually a little backwards; happiness can become an affliction unless you build that hide tough- it's going to bring you some unusual challenges. Where joy spreads lightness among others in overseas environments- sharing a feeling of warmth, here, at times, it brings you the opposite- jealousy, criticism, envy and even more dangerously it incites people to sabotage or de-validate achievement. People take joy in breaking others and dragging them down. 'What are you talking about??!!- we are rated one of the 'happiest' nations in the world!'.. yes, apparently. Look around you, travel a little and compare, we're not- I don't know how we are measuring this statistic, but I can sure as f*&%k share that when you've been immersed in other cultures around the globe which ARE happy, when you arrive home there is a distinct and startling difference... and hey, these are only my impressions- perhaps you see another side :)

In NZ people are not valued- neither is individual skill- people believe in equality in a broad societal sense. We are brought up to think we ‘can do anything’; that anyone can gain the skills to be incredible. We are not built equal, I do not believe in this concept- some have talents, skills or natural dispositions that others cannot acquire. Through years of hard work and selection, choices and direction we can grow and hone these building blocks- but it is not by accident or ‘natural selection’ that some rise to greatness or find personal contentment. Unfortunately there is a common acceptance in this society that some are ‘luckier’ than others- this is not the case- some have fortune because they have worked for it, and they have figured out where there directions, passions and strengths lie... attributes still come with problems; and problems come with attributes. I build my amazing life, my skills, my talents, my connections, my work, overcoming my problems and growing my ripples. I will not standby and tolerate people wanting to take that away from me, nor slight, demean or control others by not validating their achievements and growth; nor obstruct them for wanting to have more or be better. A little side note.. we don't get things we desire if we hate the people or situations that currently have them ;)

Ol' Pablo was onto it ;)

Twice in the last two weeks I have had conversations on the topic of 'wealth distribution' which  got me thinking on a deeper metaphoric level. Wealth, value and success.. the internalisation of these qualities imo is far more important initially to a person's growth and vision than the external- yet it is often the superficial manifestation that people get hung up on. Obligation, duty, expectations to share- there are extraordinary pressures that can come with feeling flush let alone being flush; and the manifestations of luxury both external and internal. To be open, approachable and amicable; to achieve, to allow others access to our gifts, our energy and fortune- where do people receive recognition for the distribution of their spiritual or conceptual wealth? Sharing talent is the gift of those endowed with affluence (personal fortunes)... it can be found in places of 'poverty' and of 'hardship'. If society doesn't validate or celebrate 'fortune' and 'success' in her less literal manifestations; our extent of poverty is far reaching indeed. How do we enlighten people that 'wealth' is the responsibility of the individual? and how to we encourage people to value themselves and moderate feelings of guilt, self worth and obligation when there are excessive pressures to constantly give ones energy, ones resources and ones reserves?   

We have interesting complications and they seem to be compounding quickly. Scarily- to undo this, the main work comes down with numero uno. Unhelpfully, people are scared to talk honestly about their feelings for it having consequence upon their jobs, their livelihood and their opportunities.. and well, there's not a lot of courage to speak out about being disgruntled or dissatisfied- the increase in cost of living doesn't just effect logistics it greatly effects freedom of speech. You want to feel personal achievement in a professional environment- well that ain’t going to come from a community where those cannot validate personal achievement within themselves. Here again, is why it is very important to define and follow doing the things you enjoy and that bring you happiness- personal sucess comes from ticking off and chasing those personal goals. I cannot stress highly enough my encouragement to those of creative and ambitious dreams- GET OVERSEAS and slide a 'Big Picture' jigsaw piece in there. Yes, I'm not encouraging fantasy, I'm actually working on a project which helps others who have desire and drive to do just that. Just as an artist has to walk away from an artwork to get space, reflection and perspective, a person needs experience in other cultures to get fresh outlooks on their life. 

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Above- glamping at Wadi Rum- A very big ginormous شكرا to Bespoke Hideaways, Discovery Bedu W.I.L.D & quite literally off.the.beaten.track under the stars in the desert of Wadi 🐫

I love being in a country where I am respected; as is- as a human who is presented well and who is striving to do her best. Little things can make me really warm. Travelling around Italy and having chocolatey breakfasts with decadent croissants, strong ass coffee and Nutella makes my little soul sing- I shit you not that you can get raised eyebrows and little interjected comments eating this in NZ... shall I tell more stories?- God forbid you feed it to your little ones in public arrfg. The Nutella or croissant, perhaps, not the coffee... but well, kiddies in Japan love that also and that brings up a story about hitchhiking in the Land of the Rising Sun with a Bichon Frise ricocheting around a smart car filled with oversized stuffed plushie-toys being fed ice coffee from a bottle... the things I experience hehehe!! Even though I don’t personally drink booze, I adored walking into a petrol station where ya can buy fantastic bread, cheese, meats and alcohol to put together a picnic or dinner on the go. God I laugh at what would happen if we attempted to implement this in my homeland- we are not even able to drink a wine on our own beaches or in our parks… Trust issues eh... This investment into others wellbeing gets on my nerves- ‘it’s not good for you’ so this has been put in place- now adhere to it or else. Excuse me? I’m intelligent enough to make up my own mind thank you, and I don't need your opinion; nor should I be penalised if I find that my choice is incorrect, NOR should our past misdemeanours hang over us like noose impeding being able to give things another try within fair appraisal. Ie. just cos one dickhead ruined it, doesn't mean we all need to suffer ta, or just because something shyite happens doesn't mean a new legislation needs to be drafted. Life is about having a little naughty with the nice no?, and shit. happens. Responsibility… why does NZ feel it’s up to others to control this? 

We encourage people to capitalise on ‘Woe is Me’, we berate ourselves internally using ‘Intimidation’ and ‘Interrogator’ about our diets, choices, decisions and appearances. We 'Interrogate' others psychologically and through other means to share and distribute their resources. We ignore and act ‘Aloof’ to those who deserve credit, we ‘Interrogate’ each other though email communication rather than resolving issues and conflict face-to-face and use litigation and fear strategies rather than just being personable. We control our society though ‘Intimidation’ by imposing intellectual superiority upon those of lesser means and we give completely inappropriate strategies to those less fortunate and then un-empower them when they don’t reach impossible ideals. 

Ironically for a country that is built with pioneer spirit from all nations (that includes present tense- it takes a huge amount of this to emigrate here); people wanting a new system away from established structures; we have become more repressive than the lands we have departed from. Like over protective and anxious shepherds incessantly corralling and protecting our flock; we meddle, we worry and we leave nothing to natural order. Hey!- the flock is smart & the flock has grown.. there are sheep, there are wolves, there are rabbits.. hell! There’s the whole damn ark (lol). This strangle-hold will prove to do no good. It's choice that defines progression- if people are not enabled to make these in variation, for better or worse, growth becomes stereotypical and stunted and learning is formulaic and limited. 'What will be, will be'... super close to 'Inshallah' ("God (Allah) willing" or "if God(Allah) wills").. there is method to these statements; there's only so much a human can manipulate. 

Self assurance and harmony comes from balance and a sense that one’s energy expelled is evenly replenished with energy gathered & consumed. In Western society we individually give an awful lot of this away in our interactions. We are taught to radiate outwards, but I came to realise while in Jordan, and through personal experience- we are not encouraged to develop the skills on how to reflect that back inwards or to moderate and reserve this technique. Our emotional intelligence is criplingly low. Those places with faith; the concept of a power bigger than ego on a big community scale; a power which can replenish and help a person with things that they themselves can’t manage, enables a person to have a link to that returning energy loop. It also helps us when we are not as far out on the ripples to find appreciation and solidarity within where we are, while getting to where we want to be- i.e that by continuing to do our best with what is present we can work towards a better future… this requires managing emotions i.e not freaking out, remaining calm and not throwing toys out of baskets or at others; constantly reframing back to what is good- even if that's minuscule. 

Using a coping strategy or being involved in an addiction, to whatever it may be that a person wants to refill that void with (the feeling of being zapped mentally and /or physically) to top up their energy is the physical manifestation of trying to tie back in that replenishment of energy and love. It’s essential to learn about our emotions and feelings in order to do this- a little faith and trust is required in ourselves and in things working out ok. That ‘f’ word- I’m not just talking of a religious concept of ‘faith’- but if one chooses so, that may be where they find that link to love. Personally I find that link back to my beliefs of something bigger without being associated to a particular doctrine, rather to many and within my own conceptual developments (that includes the science and medical doctrine toooo); and within the activities that facilitate me being able to connect into happiness and a greater sense of lightness- the sea, the air, speed, movement, creative output. However, creative output has an awful lot of external energy expenditure associated- it’s historically well documented how this and addiction go hand in hand- how many artists, dancers, poets and other magnificent minds can we name who use(d) vices?- is it no wonder within cultures that radically think outside the box we are finding increases in coping strategies?! Plus, we can’t take away everyone’s strategies and not help replace them with better ones now can we??!! Smoking a fag takes a much shorter time than teaching oneself how to recognise the rise, fall and patterns of one’s anxiety now doesn’t it…. although imo, it should be my choice if I want to stay with the fag option to start with… everything in moderation consideration… and not everyone has the capacity to want to change. 

Middle Easterners do not expel personal energy in the same format to Westerners- they are far more discrete and reserved- and I would say far more emotionally intelligent when it comes to a level of selection about how and when they radiate their emotional investment into others. We hold perspectives of ‘repression’ and ‘restriction’; we judge from our own West view because we only understand how we ourselves live and behave- taking their reservation for oppression; thinking our way is the best way to be- but I think there is a lot of method here which is very, very valuable and very misunderstood… and faaaar more developed. Oh how the media loves to wangle the burka & hijab- in Jordan, there are people of a great cross section of contemporary and traditional identity choices. Again, what is not chic about having things reserved for those we have selected of value to share with? Fascinating ideas for humanity innit when we start seeing how people have evolved socially to live together- for how we keep ourselves well, and for how we can come to understand each other much better and ultimately diffuse conflict and self-righteousness. 

Conflict- we would like to say this is external. West; we like to point fingers over there to Middle East when we hear this word, but boy oh boy, I tell ya, we have this in far more dangerous form in our Antipodean communities. They might have the physical amphitheatres and places where gladiators battled, they might have flash points of war currently- but we all have created the psychological war grounds; the media of our criticisms; our ideals and projections upon each other; tell tales and mistruths of disgrace and disesteem.

Equality v balance. We seem obsessed with striving for the former and we are quick to pronounce other cultures which we perceive to not have these ‘rights’. I see far more value in the latter; balance, than the former. I vehemently believe in fairness but equality? We have different strength and weaknesses from physical to intellectual; we should strive to highlight and celebrate our power not deficiencies. Womens rights, roles and liberty… there are different guises in different cultures of these- just because they do not look like our Western format does not mean there is not balance there. The women I spoke to in Jordan in no way felt repressed and were angry about the portrayal of this within the media- as were my fair sisters in Kashmir. Their value in their communities and families was celebrated- no, it’s not the 'same' at times to their male partners and colleagues- but they’re praised and valued; recognised and celebrated for their skills making quality of living equations. And all of this is changing- with more choices, more exposure to opportunities, they are making decisions for themselves towards their dreams and education while incorporating these into their customs and relationships… that takes a lot of changes to preconditioning… that’s a lot for any human to take on. As I’ve said before- I’m the alien in this new land- it’s up to me to modify and take things on the nose if needed while finding a place where I hold my values and identity also while being open to new perceptions.. interesting balancing games eh. Queen Rania of Jordan is a shining leader in women’s rights, education and empowerment and her contemporary views and style, both of concept and presentation, is leading strong and unfettered Jordanians into a bright and fertile future- God I admire this woman. Rome wasn't built in a day peps- good things take time.

Gerasa

Said intersection looking North to Syria

The history within Jordan of previous civilisations is at times daunting, overwhelming and completely humbling. I was struck a little jaw-dropped-oogle-like in Petra, Jerash and latter in Rome. At the ancient city of Gerasa just outside Jerash. I’d come to an intersection (above)- a meeting place literally from the four points of the compass for traders to arrive from neighbouring countries and much further afield. As I looked down, the paving stones below had grooves; ruts from oodles of years of chariots, carts, barrows and feet. Humans for centuries moving over the place where I stood at that point- that’s a bit mind blowing when we unpackage it; people living, dreaming, doing things, loving, crying and evolving; millions of stories- all varied, all different, all unique. Coming present day, in 200 years, this progression, this evolution and this hunger for energy has taken an exponential curve upwards. We are all hungry, hungry for more-ness of everything... and even if you're not into the stuff- you're getting energy in and from other things, people and places.

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Poppies- dem reds!

Poppies- dem reds!

There is just so much variation here- from pristine beaches to the red sands and majestic rock formations of Wadi Rum; the ancient ruins of Petra to the seaside of ‘Aquaba. The variations of colours from light aqua’s and gem coloured blues to iridescent oranges, peach, magenta’s, violet's and the soft creams of stoned cities to the eye popping red’s due to the the filtered UV light. The quietest city I have ever visited; Amman’s sounds of birdsong and the calls from the mosques reverberate in my memory with happiness alongside the irridecent red poppies- there is a calmness that permeates this location which is heart warming. From breathing in the oxygen rich air of The Dead Sea and experiencing bobbing like a cork in the mineral rich water, to flying upside-down over the desert in a Hawker Hunter fighter jet and an Extra 300L… I can’t articulate how much fun and excitement THAT is... especially when ya've got the controls weeeeeee!… all I’ll say is MORE MORE MORE!!  =^+^= 

There is so much vibrancy, there is so much LIFE! There is so much fun, laughter, warmth and value here; it’s so very graceful- I hope my writing defames some of the fallacies floating around and alleviates inner concerns about coming to Jordan to travel and/or conduct business. You have nothing to fear. It’s just yum… doooo ittttt. 

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... how big is my baggage allowance? 

New cultures, old cultures… when it comes down to it- biologically we are all made of similar stuff- BUT we have conditionings that are different; neural pathways and flash-points which are different. Varied orientations for energy needs and ways of sharing these; and contrasting ideas that we believe in- all this shapes how we can progress, what makes us tick or repells us and how receptive or defensive we are to new information. Communication delivery can make a ginormous difference- most people don't like being told they are ‘wrong’ or finding out that a thing or ideology they have believed in can be done a different way or that there are other means to an end- and people can’t do things when they are paralysed by fear. This can be confronting stuff. If however, we can take the fear associated with change away; if we can show opportunity for discovery by loosening off a notch, we can make headway into areas of productivity and development. Fear of the unknown, fear of letting go, fears of not having enough… fears of others getting ahead further than we are… fears of not doing the 'right' thing... those feelings all lie inside not outside. We need to talk, we need to encourage others to have opportunities to get together to discuss face-to-face our ideas, or tribulations; our concepts and honest viewpoints; we need to mingle. Trust in our good judgements not panic at prospective terrors, trust in natural order (NZ stop freaking out that shit would go chaotic if it’s left to develop without being nanny’d) and respect the intelligence of our world inhabitants and individual decisions. 

The more people experience suppression, the more people want change, and this shows foremost within our youth. If we are not educated; emotionally educated as to how to deal with the rollercoaster of reorientation and the personal confrontation of difference, we will only fracture our societies rather than grow forwards with solidarity.

We are all Kings and Queens of empires- the personal spaces of our thoughts and emotional orientation, and ultimately the lives we live and the choices which define them. Act reverent, act with grace, act with faith in your decisions and be proud of what you have achieved and what you will make happen in the future. إن شاء الله

 

❤ ❣  شكرا جزيلا  ❣ ❤

Tags perspective, art, interaction, community, communication, Jordan, Kingdoms, conflict, warfare, controls, history, humanity, youth, culture, Arab, Muslim, ideology, spirituality, religion, progression, love, care, sharing is caring, life is art
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November 21, 2016
Tags poetry, writing, perspective
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'What We Worship', Digital collage from Instagram, 1810 x 1500mm, 2016

'What We Worship.'

November 6, 2016
Tags art, new art, instagram, thought, perspective, modern spirituality, worship, ideas, collage, digital
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The Game of Life

September 5, 2016

The Game of Life can make some incredible twists and turns if we couple inspiration, action and energy. A few of these following topics I’ve touched on previously, but here’s a little more relatable context perhaps and expansion on talking points of interest that have surfaced within meetings over the last few weeks.

In this day and age the amount of personal anxiety associated to making life decisions can become rather high if the participant takes on an overly directional rule sheet. In my experience through the lifestyle I have chosen, I’ve learnt I don't have to know what I’m doing in 6 months time (or sometimes 6 hours with this free-range human!) because when it's time to move- I feel it on my terms. A rough idea and timeline of goal setting sure, we must know what we want with vision and dedication- but life develops. The lion's share of focus and work is head down tail up on enjoying, appreciating and working through the current ripple of things at the time. Though this process, answers by way of advanced ideas, opportunities and new avenues to the next wave amass and become apparent along the way. This utilities a wonderful, powerful and rather under recognised thang called transferable & accumulative skill. I loooove having the art of surprise in my back pocket. It consistently cracks me up how people underestimate what another person knows or is learning, the other presentations of their personality they can appropriate to different situations or people, or the power conviction & fiery determination can have upon an idea- things that have irked me from very young and ensured I have not projected these misconceptions onto the people around me. Psst, I'll let ya in on a not so secret secret too... less control = more fun.

Many of us have spent time on the ping pong table being ricocheted between ‘living in the moment’ and ‘goal setting’, but a place where my stubbornness to not conform to things I don't feel comfortable with plants me into finding my own happy medium. We can’t achieve ‘everything’, but we can achieve & experience our own ‘everything’. If we are thoughtful about the selection of particular attributes we are after and construct a realistic connection between them, then over time we can indeed do all the things we aspire towards- but the ol’ timeline- well that’s a waterslide- we can’t get everything in one ripple! Ripples aren't entirely accumulative either there is trade and release needed, and often on the way through we learn that some of the things we are aiming for are no longer necessary or justified. Expanding and contracting between aspiration/ growth and recognition/ appreciation for what we already have, bounces back and forth; we are already enough in any state as is.

In my world, the people I meet, the situations that present themselves and the events that happen are of no coincidence- I do not believe in Luck. I experience patterns of synchronicity and work my ass off, however we have different powers of recognition and recollection to these phenomenon and memories. Not all of us are born with this knack nor inclination of interest in matching them up or want to develop these skills. Being under the impression of happenstance means thinking there isn't sequences and connections to processes, planning and outcome or that a bigger energy than human brain power exists. Everything is interlinked- we are all made of the same stuff; there is always a way, yet how we feel and what impact this can have on our abilities can be in great variation. Sometimes, people can have a hard time admitting that we are all at different levels of skill within this spectrum, yet if a person decides to couple dedication with service and aspiration they can grow to develop incredible capabilities. Perhaps another way to look at it is that I feel I'm the luckiest girl alive, for the good stuff but for the problems also- they completely fit who I am. I see it as an immense privilege to have opportunities to do what I love.

I see life as little jigsaw pieces connecting together and feel we are here to learn from each other and help each other out along the journey. Which is why if we get audacious with the pieces and seek and create opportunities for relatedness, then over extended intervals they too can come together if we work for them. Often people exclaim ‘it was meant to be!’ and the Universe in combination with our thoughts and direction, in my opinion, does indeed provide these encounters, but it also manoeuvres and navigates us away from things also. Humans are mimics and mirrors; what we think and how we behave over time reflects actions and occurrences back to us. Some of the things we want and set our hearts on require other peoples lives and events to progress in order for things to drop into place; we don’t control everything, we sometimes don't deserve things, we are not indispensable and we certainly have nada on Time. But that last one; she's our biggest ally.

You've heard this one before but it's solid...

“Fate is another name for Karma, which is another name for Time, which is another name for Love.”

I believe within life, the accidents, the bumbles and the hold ups are just as significant as good events because they are also looking after us or giving us a needed wisdom. Grasping this concept completely changes our attitudes towards fellow man and the blips in existence. Missing things, stuff breaking down, ‘bugger’ moments don’t phase me now that I'm a little more seasoned- tbh that stuff never really did as it's fixable 1) I’m learning something 2) I’m being held in place for a reason. A lot comes to light about a person by how they manage tangled faerie lights, missing a flight and loosing their luggage! My big accidents have taught me big things.

I had a decent motorbike accident two years ago which was a timely wake up call. I had ridden down to the pub to watch the All Black | Aussie game, afterwards I had been yakking with a group of young lads (showing off) and decided to gas it when I left. Not taking into account the icy conditions, nor that I was on my new bike, not my older one. Back tyre lost traction upon touching the frosty white centreline and I nastily high sided right out the front of the watering hole knocking myself out. There is nothing like having the people you've been showing off in-front of scraping you off the tarmac like peanut butter, and having to call your Da to take you to hospital and sit with you till 4 am while you're seeing rainbows to rap your ego WELL and truly sheepishly into line and to remind you of humilty. Universe I heard you loud and clear.

When I was 19 I went to New York and one night had got myself way out in Queens with this amazing group of artists I had randomly met and gone back to their loft to parrrrrttyyy. I decided I’d catch the 2nd to last train back in to Manhattan, but had got a little to wrapped into the joviality and forgotten to leave in time. So I only made it to the station for the last train of the night. The next morning when I got up I was making a coffee and the news broadcast an article that two British tourists had been shot execution style after getting onto to the train I was supposed to at the station I had come from. This is a rather dramatic instance of quite literally dodging a bullet, but over my life I can illustrate many different occasions when ‘missing the train’ has been the best thing. Fortunately for me, that night was not my time to go, but if the shit was to have hit- I would have had to accept that. In majority the world is just sleep, eat, f*%&, work, repeat (maybe not in that order)- not sabotage, harass, murder and blow up- that takes a loooot of effort. Bad has to happen as much as good; with more love in the world their is equally more hate and inevitably something, some experience or someone is going to take us out. 

“War does not determine who is right, only who is left.”
— anon

Four years ago I had a wisdom tooth that was impacting (not high enough on the evolutionary scale lol) and decided to have surgery to take it out. 'Do an Angelina Jolie Doc, and take the other two out just incase please, I don't want to have to go through this again' I famously said, even though the other two out of three were relatively fine. I had every complication and detrimental side effect you could muster and learnt an important thing in this day and age for my body 'don't go in there messing with things that don't need fixing'. 

The ducks never all quite line up, and if they do it’s only for a very short period; there is always something going on. We get money, job, living lined up, then heath pops out of whack. Get the heath sorted and something else slips to the left. When I restored my Morris Minor, replacing parts was a similar pattern of chess, you see, the parts wear down and make grooves together over time. When one fails or needs to be replaced the dimensions of the new part aren't worn in like the former and so they cause friction and changes in different areas. Life is no different- little rubs and reactions take place as we change which cause other things to pop and shift. 

I choose not to expose online nor give examples of the extraordinary and unusual experiences and stories from my life. I am private and discrete and it's a privellage when we share information with each other; plus I don't wallow about in painful chapters; yet I hold wild, remarkable, and destructive examples of situations and ramifications to incidents, conduct and choices I have made, been a part of or been subjected to within my life also. I have come out of holes so deep and fathomless even I look back in awe and reverence at how I've managed. The past happened as it should have for my story, and I accept it- that is the most tremendous learning lesson of them all- ownership and full responsibility for what has been without malice. When a person decides to publicly expose distressing events that have happened to them, they take a position of moral ground; right or wrong, victim or perpetrator; I do not agree with this. In a large proportion of the situations in the developed world, if we all dig deep enough, there are decisions and choices which require responsibility from both sides and more often than not, predominantly with ourselves. Publicly advertising these things displays that the person has not fully come to terms with the situation, is continuing to let it dominate them and their identity, and that they think their pain is significant and unique. Trauma is part of being human.

I have been extremely independent from very young and intent & unwavering upon building an existence doing things I am passionate about, but this rides squiggly lines not straight ones. I openly apologise to those I have not done so in person who I hurt, forgave myself and those who did me wrong- thank you, you did me a favour; I learnt from you, and I thank from the deepest well in my heart all the incredible souls who looked after me, protected me, loved me, dished me sharp truths and guided me; of the past, present and the future. My journey is no pack of fluffy ducks- who's is? Love is not written in white, there are necessary chapters in red and I was not going to get to where I am without intimate knowledge of the whole conglomeration. I value and respect this part of me, even more than the gloss, because coming through those chapters, taking full responsibility for my part within those, and acquiring insights from them, has shaped me into the sonorous soul I am. I am exactly what I wished to be. I have lived more in my short time than some could do in multiple lifetimes. We don't need to search for people to share these things with, we actually get matched up with each other when we need each other- this remarkable system continues to humble and delight me and how when we are open to it, we can very organically alleviate each other's confusion and pain by sharing. 

We see bombing and massacres- people blowing each other up fighting about the same thing with different names- we can call it Love, or Brahman, Qi, the Universe (in reference to the energy not the astrological configuration); or in personification; Allah, God, Elohim, and many other celebrities. Misguided humans are fighting with artillery bought from the ‘good guys’ (or perhaps my Kiwisaver funds?!!), yet there are crusades far more volatile sitting right next to you. Talk to a young person and uncover the layers of self loathing, anxiety associated to perfectionism, atrocious berating and abuse that goes on right inside their mighty mind. I’m going bigger than than that because we are all kids inside- the proportion of people who are waring internally is enormous. It took me 18 years to make a true comrade of my mind (Spirit) and that took many battles and casualties on both sides. I chose from early on in my life to invest my energy into people and the engagements that I could make a significant difference with, but what most people don't realise is that they don't need to make grandiose movements and publicised endeavours to promoted wars (ulterior motive), they just need to turn around on home patch and say ‘Hey, so how YOU doin?’.

As I've seen glimpses of New Zealand Fashion Week recently I have only compassion for the beautiful gazelles lolliping along, some with rabid hungry eyes, because I know first hand what dichotomy is being presented before me. Ooo Ahh, drool drool; beautiful specimen of humanity they say… but that is a dismembered young soldier dragging their body up the beach to salvation I see. Frontline war on hate, love, identity, and acceptance for both sexes. When perfectionism, competition, intelligence and ambition combine we have internal nail bombs going off. How do I know this? I was a food loving chiquita banana masquerading as a gazelle for many, many years, and it took a huge amount of berating, fire and denial to keep myself that way. Lovelies, being content doesn't have a BMI and sated does not equate to fat. Someone else would love the body you have right. now.

Everything I do and am fascinated with is rooted in feelings and impressions- how the hell did I ever think I would be happy constricting my oldest passion to fit the rigid confinements of 'fuel'?! I am not built that way, and I'm not surprised in hindsight to see this was my challenge, but it took a long time to come to terms and understand that- especially as messing with diet in the Western world is seen as a common and encouraged thing- to some of us it is simply much more sensory and because of this, a rather dangerous part of physiology to mess with. If a person is wired this way, they will not find fulfilment in attempting to conform to the opposite. Our second brains (guts) contain +100 Million neurons, more than what is in the spinal cord or the peripheral nervous system. By not feeding this correctly, or by restricting or obstructing the personal requirements of this system, a person is literally restricting their abilities to think, feel and grow to their potential. I have learnt that an extremely important part of being in balance as a creative bean (human) is eating three (or 2 or 4, or what is personal cos it chaaanges) gorgeous, fresh, whole food and protein laden meals with sleep; less nosiness, matching, 'nutritional averages', measuring, eating on the go with out gratifying the experience and one-upping over what others are doing eh and more just what we personally love and feel... Cravings are telling us things- not listening to these inevitably spells disaster. These complications are skyrocketing within our society due to fabricated projections followed by unrealistic expectations people are imposing upon themselves. Want to find some of the unhealthiest people in our communities, pop into the gym, a secondary school, a modelling agency or a health food shop. There is an instance when famine is totally legitimate; when we starve the ego but feed the spirit.

The beautiful and talented soul Bieber got it hole in one with what is quite simply one of the most complex reflections to genuinely master: 'Love Yourself'. It's not the egotistical way it sounds and is portrayed; all gloss, compact and presentable- Un-conditional love unquestionably encompasses imperfection, flaws, inadequacy, weakness, fear, sadness, wobbly bits, illnesses, complications and deviations from the norm- c'est la vie.

Although I recognised and loved beauty in a great variety of humanity, for a stupid amount of time I thought a proportion of my beauty was a number sewn into my pants (duh.) My inner child; my soul knew that was really foolish, but my ego wanted to differ. She was scared, and she was confused and she had been conditioned to find comfort within that pain. Internal incorporeal work, if the person so chooses, inevitably requires us to climb these mountains and understand them. Love has an extraordinary amount of contrasting colours and can be sheep in wolf's clothing.

I believe we are back living these lifetimes within different stages of consciousness and this means we are all feeling and sensing things differently. The majority of people become more mindful as they get older- but some of us gather these insights at ages out of proportion to our peers or those around us- as a generalisation creatives (we are all evolving to become more of this) are often in the latter category- and with this comes trials with isolation, loneliness, compulsion, self destructive tendencies and other challenging traits- it can be extraordinarily daunting being different. Just because someone else doesn’t understand what you are feeling doesn’t mean that it isn't real or happening. More than likely its just that that person either hasn't felt that, gone through that experience or just isn't on the same wavelength; unfortunately most people disregard or get worked up at things if they can’t empathise or relate to it. With this in mind it can be easy to see how when a person is exploring to find their own certitude, that they can be freaked out by their feelings, problems and attributes. Being frightened by reactive situations, fearful about negative qualities, humiliated, demoralised or feeling like an odd one out doesn't help someone come to terms with what is going on nor be a better bunny- it just exacerbates and heightens an already sensitised circumstance and person. Anxiety is not a 'real' threat, it is an imaginary complication and can be (it's different for all of us) quite a different feeling to fear or nervousness. Yet the ramifications of how easily we can impact each other with our words and actions cannot be underestimated upon this gremlin; simple things to one person can push another into complete overload. It is very important to learn how to decompartmentalise logical productive options and emotionally invested ones in order to figure out what needs to be done and what needs to be nurtured.

We can intellectualise concepts until we are blue in the face, but that is very different from living and feeling an idea or experience. Sometimes it's like I roll around a concept like a hard boil lolly in my head, savouring it and whittling it down until it disappears, and then one day out of the blue it pops back up in relevance again and I realise where it fits and that I really feel that, I get it on a deep and intimate level- but when it initially slid in I may have been quite uncertain about it. Ahuh/ Ohhh emotions take time- we can't force people to feel things and we can't change until we do. People define things and give advice on their own timelines and terms; promoting solutions they have found which have been appropriate for their existence and most fib about the difficulties and their unusual characteristics; often casting them in softer and more favourable light. It doesn’t mean that their way is the only way to skin the cat and that in rare cases another person’s cat can’t be a pegasus.

Quality help is situated right around us by those that we associate with. They share our characteristics- external services don't have the same calibre of connection. Neither does a lot of this info on the internet- it's not quite right on the button for our culture, environment or psyche- and we can be our own worst enemies. In my experience, knots have geographical, ethnographic, environmental and social significance; trying to untangle them by not investigating close quarters first is like feeding a bird dog food- our feelings and emotional orientation has particular patterns and predispositions. Big nuggety issues frequently have resolutions in close quarters and ripples. When we open up and talk with a person we respect face-to-face a little magic happens, physical and primal emotional (and science supports magnetic) reactions; unlike any release valve that can be found through reading, often in isolation and feeding that whirling vortex of seclusion and distress. 

Problem shared, problem halved but it's a bit more than that- it's like a litmus test of quirk that tames feeling peculiar by showing us another person's got our emotional back. Life doesn't expose all the package of answers in one go or place and people often don't expose their full stories; many are quite guarded about their unusual clever secrets- which is fair enough, and the whole story wouldn't matter anyway because what we are sharing between each other is all that's needed at that point. Hell, as we all know, sometimes things don't need to be said, it's enough just to be together. Dudes, on average have a better knack at this than chiquitas who use natter to iron out issues. People can imitate superficial features but no-one can mimic charisma and aura- you are here for your reasons and impressions not another's. My great friend Bern has a fantastic line for those who are getting up in his grill: 'live your life, mine is taken'.

I came back from Holland nine months ago to help my family with events that were coming up this year, invest my expertise into people and an environment I love and work at adjusting a particular lifelong quality within myself. I’d had enough of fighting within and I had collected the tools and skills I required in order to focus on achieving making peace with some very gnarly components, but none of this came overnight. We can only do, what we do, when we do it. Day after day after day I did my best, we can ask no more, and I held strong on feeling and subsequently understanding emotions that for years I had complications with or repressed; slap bang in a setting where they were at there highest and most volatile potency. My tigers used to slink in not when I was busy and engaged, but in times of stillness and calm; when I had extended amounts of time to ponder the plethora of options I could concoct.

Seemingly negative abilities to circumnavigate reactions had also illustrated to me that my life worked without buying into some of those emotions- that they were best ignored- but unfortunately the knack for doing so was on a death run to take me out. I was cheating on a exponential scale- most destructively by killing myself from the inside out. Anxiety is actually totally useless, but it can manufacture despair so dark even darkness itself wants to hide. In modern life ladies & gents there is no tiger for that fight or flight response. No fucking tiger people. I completely trust what I feel not always what I think; thoughts can be proven false, but feelings never so. Keep in mind too, we exist within a world of frameworks that are only another person's ideas & concepts that have general consensus. 

A women's maternal instinct, in generalisation, is built to be able to have an empathetic response to people and situations; to be able to flick things around and case out all the options in order to protect her brood. This ability can be really annoying if it is given too much space to expand within ideas. My love for a concept can ignite the same tactic of defence in a way to give me additional options in order to solve a problem. But I don't need 1,000 options- I only need 1. Inner eye on the one option with most investment- not getting googly and sidetracked. When I am travelling and doing activities I'm using more of my linear 'masculine' brain; 'this is where I want to go, this is what I choose' no fizz from myself or people I care about giving me jitters with their opinions or demands. In the main, my planning and calculations are fluid and decisive but it was time to master that lesser developed facet. 2016 required me to face cool extensively drawn-out strategy being tugged by emotional diversion and un-package it, and additionally got me intimately aquatinted with my not so favourable friend called 'sitting meditation' for like, loong stretches arrrrggghhh. Once a person is aware of the fluff however, we can cut through the inventive avenues, have certainty within ourselves and go back to focusing on action. 

The crazy thing is that on the other side of that sick zingy cauldron of concoctions, once a decision is locked, is this addictive, giddy, upside-down-inside-out feeling of elation and skin buzzing anticipation. THAT is what I crave by pushing myself into the extreme by stretching parameters so far that they combust upon themselves. It's sexual, it's primal, it's breathtaking & it's a high totally unique. A mental state and sensation not dissimilar to what I expereince when participating in adrealine activites. The only boundaries upon ourselves are the ones we impose and shattering those really feels incredible. It's this really neat gut-fluttery feeling when I make a decision for my life that has made me turn the cog in a defined direction. I follow through everything I do to resolution and I am relentless in my searching, my seeking, my propulsion to be better and to share these achievements with those around me. It's very foolish to miscalculate me- I can see where I am going and every day I am building who, what, where I am. If 'going to ground' (former post) is being broken & rebuilt- this experience is rebirth. Magical thing is that some of those other invested things have a way of weaving their tapestry in further down the line which is fascinating... and within culture, historically well documented if you're interested in collecting the patterns within stories around the world. Pattern recognition is powerful stuff- because as soon as we can ascertain a system we can prepare for it, change it or set up the conditions to replicate it.

This. repairing. went. on. for. months. In some aspects it was the hardest and most uncomfortable of times, but I viewed that as soo minimal in comparison to what I was achieving in other areas of much greater long-term value and importance, that I refused to buy into dwelling on the lack, & this year if I'm being honest, there was a huge amount of it if I had taken stock, but I just don't work that way. Soaring over that by following this process lead me to witness miracles, there is no other way to put it; but if you're heart is unobstructed, you will see they flicker around us continuously. Humanity has an unfortunate knack of not recognising the incredulity of 'smooth sailing' and focusing on points of obstruction. I had amazing new projects and concepts I wanted to put into action and I knew that unless I dedicated myself to reprogramming a few aspects of psyche there was no way I was going to progress on those other avenues because the solutions were tied into problems. Through combining thought, action and repetition over time we can make new neural pathways to train ourselves into new habits. Combined with having faith in a power greater than ego to help out with processes means we can focus on the task at hand and leave other details to drop into place in the right time and if they warranted. Sometimes it’s just not time for a particular duck however and ya gotta just get the fuck over it and enjoy what is there in the asset pond. 

“Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing that it has no place in a fruit salad. ”
— Dr Alan Cockburn

Listening to your conscious/ your intuition/ your inner voice/ the voice of reason/ your Heart is not schizophrenia. Although I have found out that just like memory, we have this in varying magnitudes. 

I felt this topic needs a little addressing as it has come up on more than one occasion over the last few weeks in conversation, and in particular with concerned younger creatives. Many out-of-the-box-thinkers I know have had this thought pass through at some point or another, and most probably given it a good old Google… and potentially freaked out a little because there are some symptoms that could be seen as rather similar. But so do the common cold and cancer. There is a lot of danger within all this access to information; far more than any gun, drug or other weapon. Mastery and madness share qualities but what the panic'd brain or person set out to find fault can overlook, is that the latter rounds the corner with disposition, outlook and social association. Ponder this for a moment: The thought that a person had one day that by cutting into another live man they could remove the 'sickness' within is a rather strange one- so is a person sitting across from another giving them a label for their circumstances; strapping metal under our feet and zipping over snow and off obstacles; that someone stared up at the Moon and actually wanted to get there, that we wanted to ride the barrel of a wave like a dolphin or straddling rockets and make them curve around corners... bonkers no?- it's only now we are conditioned to accept these things, but if we go back to the initial root when someone had the idea- things are astronomically way out. 

The term schizophrenia, which in Greek means “split mind,” was first used to describe a psychological disorder by Eugen Bleuler (1857–1939), a Swiss psychiatrist who was studying patients who had very severe thought disorders. Schizophrenia is a psychological disorder marked by delusions, hallucinations, loss of contact with reality, inappropriate affect, disorganised speech, social withdrawal, and deterioration of adaptive behaviour.

It’s categorised by being scrambled in thought and action and not being able to make tangible and rational decisions between behaviours and ideas; the internal connection of dots is making scattered patterns not complex patterns with linear parts. But I think it’s the ‘listening to the voice of your Heart’ that is what really instills fear. The voice inside is not the same as having a chorus yapping inside, or being told to do bizarre and reactive things creating patterns of disproportionate abnormality which follows through to detrimental behaviours upon themselves, friends, family and others. These things don't have rational links to events or situations that have happened within the persons life. People with schizophrenia’s jigsaw puzzle is not coming together correctly; they are shoving pieces in which don't have matching edges and the links between concepts and achievements is not correlating.

'Butterflies in Bell-Jars'297 x 420mm, 2015

'Butterflies in Bell-Jars'

297 x 420mm, 2015

Creatives at times are scrambled- but from stress and running at high function (bouncing around trying to find the correct jigsaw piece)- not clinical madness. Maintaining attending a university, or working, creating and participating within the extreme pressures of life today, requires dealing with immense complexities and juggling lots of life balls. Brain and Spirit can go into hyperdrive. Creativity is extremely stressful when it is being compressed into a tap and made to perform on cue and deadline. Dance little bear….NOW!

The densest proportion of clusters containing uber exciting, radical, affluent and incredible developments in the world today are coming from mature cultures that have spiritual grounding/ belief in self and much less investment into pick-a-part clinical evaluation. Which side of the fence would you like to choose?- bonded empowerment or analytical fragmentation? Spirit or psyche? Science, up to date, only proves what it can share with others and it's all averages- it doesn't equate for exceptional or unusual- we are getting a helluva-lot more mixed, quite quickly as we evolve (intellectually, sexually, creatively); the only proof that is relevant is within yourself. (Pop onto Instagram for 5 mins and have a look at all the people who can draw like Leonardo da Vinci, all the incredible inventions, all the world class chef's... our collective conscious is advancing astonishingly fast). Those countries mentioned before are not exhibiting a pattern of chance me thinks- it's hard to be amazing when people are attempting to chop ya off at the knees of self confidence. NZ we pop out stunning humans and inventive solutions from our relatively very new country of warriors, helped by our liberal individuality being on the other side of the swing to critical conservative conformity. But we are being exploited; in our abilities to think laterally and creatively and in our relatively limited choices- it's extremely stressful for the majority to try to make ends meet, be frugal and have a decent manner of living in this country and yet we expect those less fortunate and skilled in our society to be able to budget within this economy, and keep up with this pace?! The actual effects of inflation are much more distinct than some % due little or no increase in remuneration for most people. Most don't live for a lifestyle, they live to exist, and the spike in the last five years has been tremendous... actually, we are not encouraged to live for life in the antipodeans on a whole- NZ's work/ life balance is drastically out of whack.

We are constantly getting wedged into a rock and a hard place regardless of what income you are on the situation is unfair. In comparison to what other country's dollar will stretch to it's challenging to buy food at a reasonable price to make nice things, but the majority can't go out and eat economically; automobile are expensive to run yet travel around our own cities and country is comparably pricy also; basic phone, power, gas and other human necessities are at the far end of the scale globally, yet alternatives also pack a sucker punch... and trust me- this list is extensive. There are major sociological effects happening from this- people are being restricted in their abilities to socialise, to talk to others and to relax, to feel good about treating themselves, to communicate, confront feeling awkward by interacting and to focus on group participation. I have direct experience on what it is like to live on $180 p/w in NZ, and I can tell you, from a smart, healthy and resourceful human- it is immensely complex.

To start with though, the most powerful thing a person can do to help their circumstances (and this actually has a big impact on the environment also) is modify their diet and where they buy from. Healthy brain = less panic/ overload = new ideas + it also does it's bit, by feeding the chain of agricultural/ product development and local jobs/ producers, to stop supporting the demand on palm oil and fossil fuels- and that is a considerable chunk of what is causing the most damaging methane & CO2 emotions and a good proportion of global warming (although I hold some more unorthodox theories as to the other contributing factors. Inevitably ya'll, we're destined to get off this dot). I'm not talking 'keeping-up-with-the-Joneses' ridiculously overpriced commodities- I'm talking quality, smart shopping for necessary basics and the building blocks to a healthy human. Probably no surprise to you then that I am creating endeavours which directly impact these equations. 

We can only do what we believe we can achieve and if this is not being reinforced by positive affirmation around us, then the person must learn how to have surety from within. Everything starts in the mind. Resources & skills are only 50% without emotional support. My hand was dealt acutely lacking in the latter except for those I have built relationships with, including my family who I adore; so this has meant I have had to work extremely hard at developing my inner core- the kind that does deserve being extensively stretched and exercised! To become the woman I am, and do the things I do, I worked, and continue to work, through odds immensley and densly stacked against my favour. Adversity is the fire to my ambition. As a beautiful human once said to me 'The brightest stars shine from the darkest nights', but pwaooaahh- ya know, I've worked incredibly hard to get to the point where I fucking love being me. I see it as a changing thing; we develop, we transition, we get older, things move about and look different; we feel different and so does this appreciation of ourselves- it's a dynamic thing that takes work, nurturing and kindness. 

NZ, we are extremely good at integrating and creating new concepts- but I think we need to be much more careful with what we are doing to ourselves as a nation because as a group we are directly influencing this 50% of what makes us happy and successful- a little less youngest child syndrome and take note from our big brothers Asia, Middle East (Jordan is a prime example), Canada, economically stable Europe and especially Japan. I've brought this up before, but there are a huge amount of similarities between our cultures and interesting cultural & social strategies that Japan has held onto, and modern processes they have rejected at large in order to protect their population and wellbeing- I am taking note and implementing these. NZ we are world leaders in technological integration- not all of this is fabdab. Instead of governmentally sucking on the idea tit of perceived 'Mother UK' there are much more dynamic and fascinating countries with comparative histories of multicultural integration and cool new ways of growing healthily together.

BUT, I would like to point out- WE ARE ACTUALLY AN INCREDIBLE NATION RIGHT HERE AT HOME AS NEW ZEALANDERS with our own ideas, inventions and developments. I've recently been in conversation with people about personal imperfection being perfect (it's the first rung on this bigger ladder)- well it's a bloody hard concept for most people in NZ to wrap their heads around because the collective mentality and socio-psyche is that everything needs to be better/ changed/ upgraded and that what they admire is predominantly offshore. 'What's the next big thing?!' everyone is racing for- WE ARE THE BIG THING YA'LL. When that choking rat-race is being pumped at us from all angles- how could anyone expect a human to be happy in themselves at an individual level?! We need to stop running and re-appreciate walking. I'll tell ya, it's an incredibly hard thing to grow into and achieve here.

We are not brought up encouraged to love ourselves- that would be arrogant and complacent, which ironically is actually totally the opposite, but it's not promoted that way. Somehow in this country, you are expected to achieve great things, but not act or feel within yourself that you are a great thing. Thats not how it works. NZ is not self assured and neither are our people. This mindset is incredibly damaging and very complicated to counteract. We require unity in diversity, promotion of our strengths and combined individuality as a nation and the real community role models within; representation of capable and strong individuals in leadership roles- especially women, a complete change in the delivery and presentation of our current events from doomsday to truthful and factual (yeah ok, that one might really be a pipe-dream), honest recognition of our jealous and slice-y ways of thinking, admission that we are no longer 'clean & green' and need to pull our socks up to meet international standards, and a bloody big endorsement on the variegated unique abilities forged from existing here that makes us so immensely ingenious, eclectic, creative, practical, skilled and fantastic. Yes, individual that is you, you friggin rainbow of a human, YES, NZ that is actually how you stand as a world leader on the international stage.

Two years ago, leading up to departing for Japan I was working 40+ hours a week managing a creative team and 30+ more hrs p/w on Moena Moxham commercial and personal design projects. Add in on top conceptualising, making and creating all the art, PR & marketing, website design, authorship and maintenance, promo and also undertaking fashion shows, VIP and marketing events, professional photoshoots, visual merchandising, training and hiring new staff, stylist services, buying seasonal fashion collections + more. Moena Moxham is the whole shebang from accounting, sourcing, design and everything in-between, there is a team of one. On top of that I was walking an hour to work each day plus being on my feet for all of it minus breaks; 3 classes of cardio/ yoga at the gym, 2 sessions of swimming, snowboarding on the weekends with motorbiking at any other opportunity, some serious health issues I was not listening to, and a ridiculously regimented diet... oh, and a colourful social life. Which facet shall we pick as most stressful/ complex? Financial, physical or mental? Conceptual, production, logistics or being overtired, unwell and hangry (yes the adjective of being angrily hungry)? I did what I needed to do at the time to complete things to the standard I wanted and I loved it, but the level of drive; the level of pressure and stress looking back on that particular set up was tremendous. Life did not get less demanding or simpler after that; I choose elaborate and formidable; but I made very decisive decisions and choices to arrange things in new capacities.

'Don't worry'- urg that statement is stupid- we've all been in that, but we can nominate to shelve it when it starts to shard and disintegrate into panic *eesh I respect how hard this can be. This goes against the grain of everything we are being told and shown (we need something to fix our problems, and that stressed comes hand-in-hand with success *all bullshit) and more problematically, in some cases our basic primal instincts. There is no algorithm or back up plan for living life, but there are an infinite amount of ways to express it- watch what happens in the next few years at how anxiety related conditions will skyrocket, very few people are being taught how to back out of excessive information, focus on what actually fits their ideas, organise and recognise emotions, and cultivate (yeaaah- it's a garden that gets weedy) inner calm; and, I believe we are actually reproducing more of this trait. Yep, inner calm requires transitioning through boredom- how unplugged would you be prepared to go to restore equilibrium? It's not in a concession card, an appointment or long weekend retreat... next time you go to the pub, try not taking your phone eh and see how you manage without something to tap into... not easy now is it, but you used to do quite well without one of these (if you're old enough to remember)... would you like to be like that again? Gosh though- the amazing things people will achieve blows my mind- in a basic sense, if you can see/ think it, you can do it! Humanity is becoming more empowered to show off personal expression and that is mighty exciting stuff for all of culture. 

My life has absolutely no precedent to my concepts and direction and that used to be extraordinarily daunting if I stopped and had an excessive amount of time to take stock, because what works for me sometimes, in no way should if you saw it on paper. There is no one giving me coaching or support on this stuff either- the buck starts and stops with moi. If ya've ever worked in a creative industry where you are needed to complete a project to deadline, you may be accustomed with the procrastination right to fire-up-ass-hours-before-deadline technique (ahh, my younger years on occasion were peppered with this doozie). We always pull through with an idea, LIFE always pulls through with an idea & it can rearrange much, much more than that, but it tends to come right at peak crunching pressure time with hoops, big fuck-off ones to jump through- but take some solace in that. it. always. happens. 

There are an infinite amount of variables and things that can happen between and around a worry- the human brain just doesn't have a large enough comprehension to even begin to think them all over or make them all up; it does however like to get stuck on ones that flare fantastic anxiety into the concept like a wailing depressed banshee. We can all be too smart for our own good. Look at the stickler and then hand it up & over or mentally drop kick it like it's hot and recognise the whole thing is useless- it's pointless to try and understand it all; things will have changed by the actual time arrises at the issue. My tactic at this location after seeing I'm having a bit of a freakout is to pinpoint something refreshing that brings me joy and go dooo itttt, or daydream (meditate/ pray/ zone-out- it's all the same buzz) for 5 minutes on anything that's a ball of blissful. What I can advise, is that thinking 'urg- shyyyittt I'm worried! Ok- I'll just go on the internet for a bit' very rarely helps the situation. Banshee just gets access to more fantastical tangents to get creative- my alternative is fresh air. Anxiety really likes imagination and analytics. Logic and love have a tug of war relationship especially under pressure where the former wants to shoot anything irrational down, which is a good portion of what love is made of- stick your heart like glue to the concept and keep going. Hell, my use-by-date might be tomorrow evening for all I know, I'd rather not go out using up hours being a dickhead. What's insanity- modern life & our own expectations, compulsive thought or feeling down sometimes?!

So are these ‘illnesses’ (i.e. anxiety, depression, racing-head-state) Creativity’s unwell brother? Sure, I think so, we've gotta get a bit of blah with the whiz-bang. Brilliance doesn’t come without collateral and symptoms which are intricate. But we must learn how to look after and manage ourselves with adversity otherwise how can we possibly think that we can have the good parts also? Once a person faces things and recognises them, in the smallest sense; they can make them manageable, and in the greatest, overcome them completely- don't believe me? I am living proof of doing just this; overcoming what others call 'impossible' and 'incurable'. We cannot medicate the bad times and still expect to enjoy the gloss. The world is conforming to vanilla yet wants exceptional sprinkles- the equation doesn’t work this way; evolution is developing complexities not simplicities.

We are getting faster and more powerful within a mind blowing-ly small space of time- it was only the early 1890's that humans went from travelling 48km/hr to 555km/hr in the 1940's with the invention of the jet engine (a period of 50 years)- the effect this has on the brain, our movements and subsequently our evolution has been monumental. Stating science that humans have been around for between 1.8 - 1.3 MILLION years, being able to move between 16- 24 km/hr, this is rather totally incredible right?! We are within a velocipedic age; and one it seems which has an ever widening gap between ignited creativity & complacent ignorance and stupidity. Monkey see, monkey think, monkey do; Monkey has got damn smart in the last 100 years on what we are putting in those bananas and exposing our thoughts to eh... but there is now an ever increasing enormous amount of personal responsibility required upon the individual to earn how to filter and work through all this stuff. Our children are going to achieve the currently unimaginable- you really think your way is the only way? Those ways will be using our dreams as standard mortar. It may be worth noting in here that some classifications of mental attributes are now over 110 years old and from a time with none of the convolution or stress of modernity.

Here’s a more contemporary (but ancient Eastern) concept that’s become media popular of recent ‘Mindfulness is the psychological process of bringing one's attention to the internal and external experiences occurring in the present moment and the flow of internal thought, which can be developed through the practice of meditation and other training.’… and if someone has bad intentions, their flow of thought has gone a bit hay-wire or is bent out of shape we have psychosis?… that internal conversation can at times be not all sweetness and light, and sometimes the external situation is pretty damn horrific also. Interesting partitions huh. Careful who's critiquing; one will say crazy, another will say connected. We are training people to explore consciousness yet some light up like a Christmas tree when others don't get it ‘right', it’s more intense than they like or expect or they are participating in behaviours to try and moderate themselves. Not a particularly fun process if people are being made to fear the more complex and darker parts of it- bit like false advertising 'Come find yourself! But you might not like what you find so be ready to explore your inner turmoil also!' might be a fairer tout. There are unusual things at the roots of problems. We can't just walk away and not explain how to ease through also. Humanity is waking up, are we admonishing those who have already gone for a run, and those who are still snoozing?

I came across this interesting article while surfing the web from Schizophrenia Research recently. One which I have to admit made me mad thinking that we categorise ‘difference' as a ‘disorder’ but one of interesting relevance all the same. It basically describes every artist and designer I know…


“History suggests that the line between creativity and madness is a fine one, but a small group of people known as schizotypes are able to walk it with few problems and even benefit from it. A new study confirms that their enhanced creativity may come from using more of the right side of the brain than the rest of us. In the spectrum between normal and insane, schizotypes generally fall somewhere in the middle. While they do not suffer many of the symptoms affecting schizophrenics, including paranoia, hallucinations and incoherent thoughts, schizotypes often exhibit their own eccentricities. "They may dress or carry themselves in a strange way," says Bradley Folley, a graduate student in clinical psychology at Vanderbilt University in Tennessee and the lead author of the study. "They're not abnormal, they live normal lives but they often have idiosyncratic ways of thinking. Certain things may have special meaning for them or they may be more spiritually attuned."

Problem solving

The link between creativity and psychosis has largely been based on anecdotal evidence and correlation studies. The Vanderbilt study is the first to investigate the creative process experimentally using brain-imaging techniques. The researchers defined creativity as the ability to generate something new and useful from existing products or ideas. "Creativity at its base is associative," Folley told LiveScience. "It's taking things that you might see and pass by everyday and using them in a novel way to solve a new problem." The researchers conducted two experiments to compare the creative thinking processes of schizotypes, schizophrenics and normal control subjects. In the first experiment, subjects were shown a variety of household objects and asked to come up with new functions for them. For example, all three groups would be asked to come up with possible uses for a needle and thread. While the normal and schizophrenic controls came up with pretty typical responses like sewing or stitching, one schizotype said that if a person was poor but wanted to get engaged, he could use the thread to make a ring and use the needle to write "I Love You," in the sand.

Picture this

In the second experiment, the three groups were again asked to come up with creative uses for everyday objects, but this time their brains were monitored using a brain-imaging technique called near-infrared optical spectroscopy. The scans showed that both sides of the brain in all three groups were active when making novel associations. However, in the brains of schizotypes, the activation of the right hemisphere was much higher compared to brains of the control subjects. Folley speculates that what may be happening is that schizotypes may either have more access to the right hemisphere than the average population or there may be more efficient communication between the two hemispheres.”


Grey matter is fascinating stuff innit. I think that’s quite wonderful if my hemispheres are conversing lol. Re: dressing strange (o.m.g lol) perhaps author you would like to consider that this external expression of our internal self correlates with our inner pleasures, feelings & enjoyments? Not another's expectations, social currents, trends and projections...and that our eclectic selection of items may have sentimental and pre-loved significance instead of being a mass produced consumable? Loving ourselves unconditionally creates a very big game changer in identity; it swings the ratio to internal's favour and removes allocations from external factors and characterisations. 

“Luxury is the human capacity to convert experience into emotion.”
— Alex Atala

We are not commodities nor our bank accounts, our partners, kids and friends; our cars, what we did or who we were in the past (or 10 minutes ago!), our job titles, letters next to our names (your PHD would pale in comparison to the skills needed to keep up with my life.. and if I felt so inclined I could study for one) or roles we play; the things we make, the labels in our attire or possessions, what colour, race or sex we exhibit or express, the number of calories we eat or the dimensions of our biceps. How ok stripped back to nothing but you and your thoughts would you really be? If I said that our thoughts and emotions are quite literally accumulating to paint our worlds- what would we consider then? Is it play or is it poison- only the individual has the power to convert what perspective they choose and what bricks they're building with. Tried, tested, proven. I never talk about things I don't have first hand experience with; I live by 'walk the talk' otherwise I shut the fuck up am well prepared to defend my stance with an open mind. I'm interested in sharing experiences not overriding them with mine. I've never studied in depth religion, psychotherapy or spirituality, and I totally don't give a fuck about self help books- I care about doing & feeling things, full stop. And ya know what, to date, that has served me incredibly well- cos it's all about what works for the individual- do stuff; share yourself and ya find things. I have been surrounded, and will encounter in the future, shit-storms of suffering and complications, but I have a survival method of not focusing on the crap and finding the fixer and the fizz, and I genuinely like to help. I live my dreams, what a luxury to fight for the pleasures within them; they are hard, complicated and challenging- but they're all mine and I take ownership and responsibility for them. Survival- yes life can at times be combat, but you won't hear me coming- I just get on and do what's needed to do the right thing.

Consummate love, in basic, is comprised of three components- commitment, intimacy and passion. When we do things we like and invest ourselves into activities that bring us joy we in turn become creative, by being illuminated to different positive associations in other aspects of our lives. Genius is being able to take this level of interrelation into many varied and diverse topics. If we have nurtured the power to be able to invest this type of discipline, engagement and enthusiasm then our potential becomes limitless. I was about 6 when the honour of making the family Christmas pudding was imparted to me through my Nana. My Mama inquired what the secret was to making my creations so good and I looked up at her and said "Love and happy thoughts". As any artist will tell you, precision, investment, nostalgia and sentiment are the most powerful ingredients of all.

Hokaaay, but back to exploration; so we could reduce that creativity and genius (both qualities which are not exclusive and we all share in varying proportion) can additionally be the ability to investigate madness and come back enriched not scarred; by having the belief that somehow we can find a way back, not necessarily the way we went in. That would make psychosis when you are lost inside in loop- and the primary difference being a trust in process, time, disposition and a faith/ playfulness in new ideas and thought enlightening a way to come back to ‘even’. One person’s madness is another’s normality; if we are conditioned to a particular experience; sugar- the afternoon hit, wines at night, nicotine for anxiety, excessive use of technology, adrenaline activities, smoking pot- then a slight psychosis is everyday existence. Sanity can be as confronting as addictive ‘normality’. It’s not hard to have a genuine touch of insanity- most people try it out when they diet. That obsessive, thought filling, anxiety ridden process is exactly that of a psychotic, but we would be labelling most of the world looney if we wanted to really explore and relevantly attach these labels.

Current definitions of qualities are inadequate and outmoded in my opinion. They never classify anything in a positive light and make people feel like they have conditions. What personality was a ‘control subject’ eh? We all have idiosyncrasies which can be defined, but how is focusing on this constructive? To me, in some instances, it's more like an excuse to be able to fall back upon instead of having the balls to just get on with life and work hard without a pass out card. I have every right to hate humanity and the world for what I have experienced in periods over my life, or use some of my qualities as crutches but that would be such an easy option. Instead of picking holes in characteristics and freaking out at rare and unusual ones, I can offer a much easier way to ascertain someones soundness of mind- look them in the eye. You can see madness as clearly as you can see happiness and love.

Soo to some it seems the coin has two sides as follows…Spiritual awareness is delusions… utilising visualisations is having hallucinations…. Self assured is arrogant, avant-garde is reactionary and eccentric… humm, Thank goodness I exist in a society which has the capacity to embrace difference and individuality as valuable and commendable attributes. Yet, it is also one which has adeptness in converting them to impediments- however it is personal choice whether to burden oneself with any of that, yep, although that can be a mighty hard one to grow a thick skin upon when it comes from close quarters. Let it be known- it is not easy being passionate and distinctive- never has been and never will be especially if civilisation continues on our current paths of appraisal. It's not 'easy' for anyone, but that doesn't mean we can't salvage fun outta bad situations or make difficult enjoyable. Just stop for ten minutes and observe in generalisation the cars that drive past and the colours of dress; black, white, grey, oOO naaaavvy, black, cream...silver, grey. That's a visual indication of the psychology of those running with the pack -they have even become the same shape and style- very different to the vibrancy of 30 years ago. Anyone seen the latest Ford & Aston Martin, kind of embarrassing really. Shake that plumage baby, I guarantee it's not really the aforementioned colour palette and preen the feathers of others who are brave enough to show theirs... additional thought: it's concerning stuff when a societies definition of a 'successful person' becomes akin to being able to function like a machine...

“What is to give light must endure burning.”
— Viktor E. Frankl

Why does man think that by taking a chemical that they have made, to expunge a quality which they ‘don’t like’ is a good thing? Where do you think we are connecting into with what emotion with those pain killers, the hooch, the pharmaceuticals, the coke or the heroin? It's an increasing version of the same stuff, except that last one; that's one bangin' ride on the Starlight Express and then it's incrementally down hill from there; not particularly sustainable odds (calling ya'll in middle America)... p.s your body doesn't know if it's from a pharmacy or a dealer... Spaces that with time we can train ourselves to find. To get there without using a crutch though comes with honest recognition of what we like about our vices and treats and why some things have adverse effects- like if you need a bit of courage then a tiddle is gunna do the trick; but if you're already lion hearted then alcohol might push that a little too far; if you're searching for a bit of love- sugar might hit the spot, needing to drop out for a bit, pain relief or a change of perspective- toke away, but if they are soft spots; if dealing with pain and other emotions is what we are hiding from, then they may have the propensity to become patches of excess also. (Just a side note on that marijuana subject too; for any of it's beneficial qualities, it reduces one our most powerful tools; memory). Whatever we ingest is either muddling or enhancing those millions of neurons in our brain & guts- being balanced takes into account recognition and awareness of the impact of these decisions. Nothing wrong with exploring and finding these things- it's extremely important to learn how we individually work and if needed, to teach ourselves to undo and let go of something. Understanding ourselves might be initially helped by these things, but inevitably to get into the really good stuff, things start to go- maybe that's not your path- it's all choice. Plus, keep in mind- actions are vices also- going to the gym, ringing your Mum, thinking about a particular thought repetitively, sunbathing in excess, needing to see how many 'likes' an Insta photo has, being rigid of opinion.. open's up the options now doesn't it.. it's impossible to be human without them. 

Eliminating (not a viable pursuit- it comes back to bite us on the ass) or refusing long-term to recognise a negative emotion is not dissimilar to deciding to remove sharks from the eco system and expecting it not to effect the oceanic structure and equilibrium of the food chain, because one in a zillion eats a surfer that looks like food or cos we really like the taste of 'em. I’m sorry, I believe in having to learn how to love the squidgy bits and that we are built the way we are, with our special qualities because we have the people, resources and inner attributes to comprehend them- that doesn't mean they have to disappear either- I meet a lot of people who are desperately trying to remove these things- can't we leave them be? they are important, to learn how to include them within us is the key. If I don't learn about mine, what use would I be to my family, children or friends in supporting theirs?- we pass on traits and share likenesses. Nothing seriously awesome in life is easy and if we want the big pay offs we must do the big work. This is the difference between average and exceptional.

My contributions to culture, business, the community, academia and my health and success as a human comes from being able to ask myself within for comparisons and similarities between learnt and tested elements in order to understand new puzzles. It requires a lot of patience to follow these thoughts; an ability to be able to think through concepts and question derivatives, complexities and conundrums and explore what others may think is irrelevant. Years of dedication, commitment, work, conditioning, and time spent developing skills, craft, relationships and personal qualities from shitty into better. That’s how we break boundaries, find new things both internal and external and make the unattainable within grasp. 

‘Healthy’ has many facets, and many different colours; life is irregular. There are horrifically high unrealistic expectations floating around about this and ‘normality’ (what the hell IS that?! trying to define this is like categorising the shape of every grain of sand) and blatant bullshit imagery being touted as thriving pictures of health- they are mirages. I’m going with what feels good for the person involved and doesn’t hurt them or others- that may not reach another persons expectations but that is none of their business to be honest. In my experience it all comes down to equanimity- the proportion of complications is always balanced by the proportion of healing and good- but this undertaking requires recognition; not by trying to rub out things, and it's in different measures for each of us. If we don't face the complicated days and feelings we cannot be blessed with the exceptional occurrences which are the rewards. 

Personally I try to keep it simple: use courage and be kind.


Make. Believe. 

…

 

The human 

race

is filled with vibrancy

Carpe Diem 

Cities of sleepy 

a crystal chain gang

unaware they are living for

contrast 

The tarseal is twisting beforehand

chasing vanishing,

presented for 

design

Pursue the pebbles;

find new ground, embrace a new route

To feel strange is ok 

Take foolish dreams and 

twist them in a flurry like

candyfloss 

wrapping them

around

and 

around 

with sticky coloured fingers

Dance with the momentum 

and 

rebel against confines

Unwrap the prickly blanket

sullenly snapped around what is 

most precious 

it won’t get cold

Poke holes though the weave 

Feel the world a 

different 

way

it doesn’t bite 

unless left hungry

by our own actions

Make a mark, aim for it and then realise it

fades into insignificance and the 

colour 

develops shaking like a Polaroid

Loneliness confronted and converted 

to faith by Truth 

reconnected with Spirit present 

Heart talks with Mind

Less guru competition

more aroha

Consider what is and isn’t

is it? Don’t be sure

Alter 

fear to fervour for 

you are

your greatest 

Creator

Tags definitions, perspective, health, living, goals, war, Truth, intelligence, spectrums, creativity, creative process, poetry, creation, flow, letting go, aroha
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Celebrating Grey

July 6, 2016

All this ‘good’ and ‘bad’ labelling of things is causing mucho problemo. It is not that a thing or an action is ‘bad’, it is that we need to understand through knowledge and information how to navigate it. Every single thing has an upside- but if we encourage people to label in black and white and not be able to be flexible about the entire package, when slips, blips or the spectrum is moved out of perspective, the inevitable feeling of the person involved is one of lack and negativity; of never being able to be ‘good’ or reach unmaintainable expectations; from themselves and those around them. That they too have been sucked into the label and are now categorised as ‘bad’. This extraordinary display of self, peer and societal pressure is crippling.

A good example right now is the 'war on sugar', (although 'war on ............' can be inserted in here)- urg even the terminology makes me shudder as it sets us up in a brace and fight mode. The media has an enormous part in spinning storms of terror; pinning people against each other; igniting and fuelling panic and suspicion into our most sensitive individual and societal issues. Most people aren't strong enough, or invested in seeing through this bullshit, but the effect this is causing across any issue that can cause anxiety is criminal. If the mind is filled with thoughts and images that correlate with prejudice and anger, this WILL be reflected back. You ever noticed how when you want something you see it everywhere, well flip this and work it from the opposite and you get the same outcome. There is no difference to this being a possession, a person, a feeling or a situation. People don't understand that this type of attitude emanates off them and that others can sense it. It is inevitable there will be more destruction and terrorism, more and more it's all we can see unless there is active change towards personal behaviour. I say this because holding media outlets accountable is impossible. Stoking peoples drama is pure incitement; the kid on the edge of the sandpit, lighting it and standing back watching while others burn. 

When it came to sugar I was a garden variety junkie. Absolutely no different to handing a loaded syringe with heroin to an addict, with exactly the same mental and physical fall out, but with far more accessible dealers. To add to the complication though, we all need a little food love in our lives once in a while. I am already filled with lots of passion and emotion, I don't need to be jacked up any further, especially when I am feeling sensitive. Feeling guilty, shamed, hyper anxious and that the range is 'bad' is not constructive, and doesn't validate being able to enjoy a life pleasure in moderation through being educated about what option is best. Seeing 'health star ratings (of like 1/5) doesnt make a person feel great either- has anyone stopped to think how this is effecting our abilities to validate enjoyment??! I focus on matching what I need with what I am feeling and not skirting around the issue- If my brain is really needing chocolate- that that it shall have, but what variety & proportion I endorse gifting myself is very important. And gift I do- I make a proper deal about it being a beautiful and deserved award.

Sugar was my drug for comfort, to ease loneliness and give self love, but because of my mental and chemical make up, it used to have disastrous consequences. It took an inordinate amount of courage within this society as a woman to say 'I love and hate my food' and just like any passionate love affair, it was a bed of roses. Unwrapping the shame associated with the behaviour and digging out the essential good thing I was trying to help myself with by wanting to veer off and reach for a stress filler, was the nucleus in being able to accept and learn how to live better. I make better mistakes tomorrow. I accept progression not perfection and prefer to train my focus on the perfume, not the thorns. Training by choice on the positive as a survival method to information overload.

Finger pointing and disgracing through high-moral snobbery is how shame grows. This is the gift a lot of humanity is burdening each other with when there is nothing to fear or be disgraced about, no matter how icky it is on the outside or inside. 

Shame is very different to guilt. Guilt is the productive movement of shame; where the person has realised something is amiss, is not comfortable with it, and is making a manoeuvre in order to better the situation. Shame is a much darker, festery and evil demon and this lurks, morphs and destroys from the inside out. It is a tremendously elusive and deceptive creature to trap and is bundled in layyyyyyers of camouflaged situations, behaviours and feelings. 

Yes, this image is confronting and powerful isn't it. Fear, power, righteousness...

Shame comes from getting the behaviours associated to love messed up, and it is why it is so hurtful. It solar flares right on our Heart. My greatest loves had for many years impenetrable barracks around them made up of disesteem, but as I made headway I realised the actions were of the best intention. They were coping strategies in order to maintain protection and they were not to be feared or used as a whip upon myself, but it also was my duty to control lashing out in fear towards others that saw this pain too. Unfortunately, it is the ones we love who have the ability to see these flashes, because they are a reflection of their own sensitivities and in order for most to feel they are in control of their world, they can belittle, demean and act with anger and persecution upon those who outwardly display, what they inwardly dislike and fear. Yes, coping strategist and addict are one and the same; we are all addicted to, or using something for comfort. Yet, by taking a positive spin on the grey, we can unburden shame and replace it with hope.

The freedom that comes from relinquishing persecution of ourselves and removing these labels brings true liberation and joy towards the human psyche as a dynamic entity, rather than a tagged and boxed collection of qualities that need to be ‘fixed’. Nothing is ever broken. But neither is it another's ‘fault’. What happens, happens from the accumulation of components that create the environment for a perfect storm and all of these qualities can be rationally unpacked. It is how we personally continue to roll with the individual and collateral damage that is important. It is absolutely essential that we have those around us who without judgement; without alarm and panic, can listen to us while we divide up and work through these thoughts and feelings, not getting stuck on the behaviours and etiquette.

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It is so very, very important that as a society we maintain the ability to think for ourselves, question what is being shown to us and scrape off all this unnecessary fear mongering and fill it with logic and methodology. Truth is not given to us, it is something we must search for because it is different for each of our stories. OUR truths; our exploration into finding them, affects our entire community in a positive manner because in order to live like this we interact. We are now digging through falsities at a level that has never before been seen by man; getting information is not the issue, learning how to select and filter truth out of this barrage is. Good comes from this, but not from avoiding the opposite and inevitably what is intriguing. Shaming the curious is at epidemic levels. 

This system does not build and create a virtuous environment, it undermines and erodes it. Creative humans are built curious and obsessive and so unavoidably step into unusual and challenging waters. Please re-read that. The nature of expression means we have a unique ability to have an unusual idea, hold onto it and make actions to develop it; culture in all forms being the productive manifestation of this. Yet this very same pattern can go into hyper drive and into not such great outputs also; endeavours which more often than not, are actions seeking comfort and release from the productivity; the racing-head-state that 'creativity' in it's nature compels us to undertake. Expressive output is therapy, but the process or motivation can be anything but. 'Creativity' being an attribute and thought pattern that every human has in varying amounts. 

“All the things that truly matter- beauty, love, creativity, joy, inner peace- all of these arise from more than the thinking world”
— Eckhart Tolle

It takes a huge amount of courage to put your heart, soul and thoughts out there; taking those up in honour and then delighting by smashing them down in shame when slips happen is abhorrent.  A particualry reactive scale by where a very small action can be made into a momentous indignity. Training and driving humans to delve deeper into this ability to procure and make requires as much, if not more attention to the other colours of this type of wildness, because to be frank, the propensity can be to excel at the more humanly deferent negative calibration. We want to teach people how to become more 'mindful'; but the more conscious you are, the more complications that arise from that also. Information is power but without the strategies, ignorance can be bliss. People fear what they don't understand and often desire what they don't have the skills to cope with.

We need to grow and flourish through encouraging less ignorant appraisal and more encompassing education. Fine can be poor; and ‘good’ comes from processing and loving, not fearing ‘bad’. Living, in it's essence is not about being 'good'- no-one is keeping a marker sheet out there. Sure karma, but that is a wheel that turns though light and dark, not avoiding it. We are all unintentionally hurting each other with worthy purposes; and then making amends and progress by modifying our conduct. It is not through the strengths, but through our weaknesses and insecurities that we are useful and can help each other. 

Tags creativity, shame, addiction, fear, love, thought, perspective, yin & yang, good and bad, juxtaposition, gratitude
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Barcelona

Clouds in Your Sky

November 23, 2015

The necessity of selflessness and self knowledge; transcending the ego, searching for ourselves is as junkies to an obliterating passion. 

In nature animals follow the heard, fish swim in the sea, sloths lie in the trees, koala get high off leaves; the trees grow to the sun and the stars shine their brightest yet humans are driven to pursue conquest, process and duty; in some cases to circumnavigate directly striving to be the essence of what our hearts drive us towards. 

It is not everyone's dream to be good and moral, nor is it everyone's path to strive for self acceptance or knowledge. This journey, with varying amounts of success, the search for self : is both flawed and contradictory... which is also kinda what makes it so fun! I believe we need to know why we have become the person we are, and that by embracing risk and uncertainty we can convert fear into fire which fuels our compulsion to grow and strive to be better.

We strive to accept ourselves in order to be individual, and surrender our limitations and desires in a fruitless search for free conscious. But conscious is the chatter and we are but parts of different packs- there is no way to be individual because just by trying you put yourself in another group. Often these contradictions and evaluations have caused me both joy and contemplation. My passions and appearance align me on first impression to others into many stereotypes- which can be a means to an end of finding amazing individuals who see value in investing time beyond their initial estimations. Many people also don't take notice of the finer subtle details i.e.: the difference between being tattooed with your own design v another's or other subtle shifts or motivations. I love playing and exploring these concepts with others because as with making things, there is no other way to do this than to throw yourself in and get going. Interaction is ultimately un-emulateable and impossible to recreate and in my opinion is the most creative thing a person can ever do for themselves and others; push to evolve.

Self knowledge/ acceptance is a circular path with no beginning; end nor resolution. By running around this track without recognising and validating growth and achievement we become engaged on a journey in loop. My brain dislikes loops- it prefers open ended tangents with fluttery ends in opportunity which makes it very important to substantiate personal growth. But hey!- what can be more fascinating than figuring out these things for within this is the secrets of the Universe and all that is around us. 

The part of conscious which wants to change itself IS the part to be changed- which is impossible. Here comes the money-shot: because in this liberating awareness you realise your looping Monkey brain; which believes it is driving the manifestation of motives and desires, is completely selfish- limited and false. A rather humiliating, bracing and necessary slap in the moosh- but one where I hit a middle line. In some ways immensely pessimistic in a glorious optimism. Pooof! I stopped fighting with myself. We know contentment is not found in money, things or places- but I challenge that the pursuit in itself has to be moderated into measure. An advertisement for a product you already own; you don't need an upgrade; the ad ultimately looks dated and hilarious in hindsight. What a privilege it is to even have time to concern myself with the concept. 

To some there is a concept of life journey where you must come through earning your stripes as we say, bringing you to a point where you are allowed to see the world for the incredible joyous place it is. An environment in which we are allowed to shine with our energy and no exceptions. Actually, just as we would unquestionably give to this to a child- as an adult we deserve this too. 

An active mind, strong will, adventurous spirit is my gunpowder but we all have our special ways of carving our lines. Opinion is cloud in the sky, beautifully obscuring the view of the vastness beyond: the realisation of the enormity and diversity of experience. A shift in thinking our brain and abilities makes and decides all our life decisions- for me a recognition of my arrogance to assume my brain and actions in totality control my world without being woven into an energy bigger than myself.

If you are an apple you cannot become a banana, nor can a potato be incorporated into a fruit salad- yet each has it's own place; an experience and gift unique to the core of it's flavour. The best is brought out when combined correctly with the right paring and celebrated. However dear vegetables and fruits, we have the right to choose what bowl we jump into and what shapes we are chopping up as!

I knew very early what my path in life was, what my true gift to give and where my passions and strengths lie and that I can sense and feel differently to others- but I wavered and succumbed to jealousy and pressure, from my community and myself to shape and remould. A wonderful and vibrant path with positives, negatives, variation and in no way anything which I regret, an incredible life- but I believe the calmness in myself, the connection I feel in my heart and the world I am inhabiting, and the concept of what I must do next is my calling on track. There are many many ways to work, live and exist in this life. I realised mine is enriched by faith in the energy around me and powers bigger than myself.

In this blog there are no photos, no advice, no pointers on places to go in London and where I am now because it is of no consequence. The only things, the most joyous things I have, are the connection to what I am here on this earth to do; to give and to proceed with, and a knowledge it will happen. My knowledge, impressions and perspective are nothing to you but clouds in your horizon of perspective.

You do not need a guidebook, or a map or opinions on places and experience- especially you do not need those- see heavy obscuring thunderstorm looming. You don't need friends and people to hold your hand- go GET the people, or make them along the way and go PLAY; likeminded people drop in together. Our paths find ways to get us on track- it is fruitless to fight being. Dreams and personal passions don't need to be 'liked' or aired to others. In my experience the amazing things you will produce will create the most resistance- you WANT this; it means it's unique, challenging and counterpoint to the norm. The frequency of our souls sing when you hit the travellator- it clicks in place and your dreams conspire and whisper between themselves to manifest in reality. Urg: Unfortunate use of the word of the moment; but it flows. Our instincts tell us when it feels and smells right- we can see it and sense it in others and this is reflected within ourselves.  

I do not propose to have the answers. I have nice big wobbly flaws, but just as the shoelace on my Chucks has two ends so does every spectrum- our flaws are only on the other end of our beauty. I know my story and continue with my own, as to live, to laugh, to be alive is an immense privilege. We are but versions of the same with unlimited, untapped potential; each generation a little further refined, just like an app update ;) Perhaps this is where my love of youth and children lies, because I know they will be a little 'more' than I am and can be. I have always adored my elders; to hear and share their knowledge and experience is a gift so special. In myself; I know and posses more than some and less than others, but hit the world with arms wide.

This being is not to ‘exist to exist’ as this is to assume sitting and waiting- doing nothing in some enlightened and transcended state. Fight for what you want and open your eyes to opportunity; it’s eeeeeeeeverywhere in so many different forms. It is irresistible to feel and compelling to experience the terror of the Unknown. The Heart looks after itself- give a banana to the Monkey brain and chase your horizon. 

I challenge that humans come full loop. That the essence of ourselves and our passions is set rather early on and that success; flow and enjoyment in WHATEVER we really really love (whether that is plucking chooks to playing the stock exchange) and decide is our vocation. This harks back to things we took up early on in childhood. It is another chapter in the kids in the sandpit story I shared when I advertised this direction through indiegogo. When we are little in kindergarten there are all the different personalities in the sandpit- the kid eating the sand, the child building amazing things, the tot who has ALL the toys and won’t share, the whippersnapper who desperately wants to be IN the sandpit with everyone else yet is terrified to get in. As we grow- we take and add skills and techniques onto this essential core of our personalities. The culinary master, the architect or engineer, the Mum, the property mogul.. but we all want to be in there playing together, even the ones who are not sure- who may only want to touch the sand then retreat until they feel the need or desire to try another component of the game. 

I am referring to predisposition. When you start snowboarding (or skateboarding or surfing) the easiest way to figure out what is your ‘dominant’ leg (i.e. the leg which will be in-front when you direct where you are going) is to get someone to come up behind you and give you a surprising shove from behind. Whatever leg you put out first to break your fall is the leader. Goofy with right in front, natural with left. I ride goofy- no surprises there lol; I can go into all sorts of funny anecdotes to life with picking your riding/ chairlift/ snow partners that occurs from the mix you encounter in your friends and other fellow mountain buddies. But what I am trying to get across here, is that we tend towards a preference. It’s SOO much fun to explore these things though- in WHATEVER capacity, and figure out what we like- or don’t like. It goes both ways however- if you TRULY are an asshole deep down then you will come to terms with that also and collect others who share your energy. I find though its nice to go with what's natural- what feels good and gives you that slightly sick/ air turbulence/ heart flutter/ borderline similar to fear response in our chests and bodies. I am an adrenaline junkie- this feeling is what I crave and love- it's the skippy purr next to my heart which makes my cheeks pink and lights my eyes. 

My decisions and curiosities don’t keep me in the mainstream. I find and make friends where I go but I am not tied into perpetrating networks with people that life has let pass on, or that I need to hold my hand- but this is anything but easy. There is a difference between aloneness and loneliness though. I love aloneness (which can be packed with people!) but loneliness is the shadow below that leaf that can be easy to slip into until the back catalogue of acceptance and understanding catches up. THIS is what I am always learning more about- a recognition and acceptance of my emotions and feelings. One is solid cheddar- one is hole-y Swiss ;) 

My internal compass and direction and drive for what I want can set me apart from the group but I am very much a pack animal. Perhaps more the lone wolf of this pack who desires exploration and discovery; who needs time apart to chase opportunity- but I also love nothing more than to care and be cared for in environments with diversity. We can take on skills left, right and centre- we can work our way in and back out of habits, addictions and behaviour- but you can't pick up nor discard passion. We reorder our vices in order to make room for other ones- hopefully more productive pastimes. Given encouragement our Hearts drive us through and past our fears towards our loves.

What did you do in your childhood that is highlighted in colour? Right off the bat makes you smile and your heart jump a little?

Tags perspective, impression, dreams, direction, drive, journey, heart, life paths, ego, appreciation, love, respect, acceptance
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Illustration by Romain Hugault

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