The necessity of selflessness and self knowledge; transcending the ego, searching for ourselves is as junkies to an obliterating passion.
In nature animals follow the heard, fish swim in the sea, sloths lie in the trees, koala get high off leaves; the trees grow to the sun and the stars shine their brightest yet humans are driven to pursue conquest, process and duty; in some cases to circumnavigate directly striving to be the essence of what our hearts drive us towards.
It is not everyone's dream to be good and moral, nor is it everyone's path to strive for self acceptance or knowledge. This journey, with varying amounts of success, the search for self : is both flawed and contradictory... which is also kinda what makes it so fun! I believe we need to know why we have become the person we are, and that by embracing risk and uncertainty we can convert fear into fire which fuels our compulsion to grow and strive to be better.
We strive to accept ourselves in order to be individual, and surrender our limitations and desires in a fruitless search for free conscious. But conscious is the chatter and we are but parts of different packs- there is no way to be individual because just by trying you put yourself in another group. Often these contradictions and evaluations have caused me both joy and contemplation. My passions and appearance align me on first impression to others into many stereotypes- which can be a means to an end of finding amazing individuals who see value in investing time beyond their initial estimations. Many people also don't take notice of the finer subtle details i.e.: the difference between being tattooed with your own design v another's or other subtle shifts or motivations. I love playing and exploring these concepts with others because as with making things, there is no other way to do this than to throw yourself in and get going. Interaction is ultimately un-emulateable and impossible to recreate and in my opinion is the most creative thing a person can ever do for themselves and others; push to evolve.
Self knowledge/ acceptance is a circular path with no beginning; end nor resolution. By running around this track without recognising and validating growth and achievement we become engaged on a journey in loop. My brain dislikes loops- it prefers open ended tangents with fluttery ends in opportunity which makes it very important to substantiate personal growth. But hey!- what can be more fascinating than figuring out these things for within this is the secrets of the Universe and all that is around us.
The part of conscious which wants to change itself IS the part to be changed- which is impossible. Here comes the money-shot: because in this liberating awareness you realise your looping Monkey brain; which believes it is driving the manifestation of motives and desires, is completely selfish- limited and false. A rather humiliating, bracing and necessary slap in the moosh- but one where I hit a middle line. In some ways immensely pessimistic in a glorious optimism. Pooof! I stopped fighting with myself. We know contentment is not found in money, things or places- but I challenge that the pursuit in itself has to be moderated into measure. An advertisement for a product you already own; you don't need an upgrade; the ad ultimately looks dated and hilarious in hindsight. What a privilege it is to even have time to concern myself with the concept.
To some there is a concept of life journey where you must come through earning your stripes as we say, bringing you to a point where you are allowed to see the world for the incredible joyous place it is. An environment in which we are allowed to shine with our energy and no exceptions. Actually, just as we would unquestionably give to this to a child- as an adult we deserve this too.
An active mind, strong will, adventurous spirit is my gunpowder but we all have our special ways of carving our lines. Opinion is cloud in the sky, beautifully obscuring the view of the vastness beyond: the realisation of the enormity and diversity of experience. A shift in thinking our brain and abilities makes and decides all our life decisions- for me a recognition of my arrogance to assume my brain and actions in totality control my world without being woven into an energy bigger than myself.
If you are an apple you cannot become a banana, nor can a potato be incorporated into a fruit salad- yet each has it's own place; an experience and gift unique to the core of it's flavour. The best is brought out when combined correctly with the right paring and celebrated. However dear vegetables and fruits, we have the right to choose what bowl we jump into and what shapes we are chopping up as!
I knew very early what my path in life was, what my true gift to give and where my passions and strengths lie and that I can sense and feel differently to others- but I wavered and succumbed to jealousy and pressure, from my community and myself to shape and remould. A wonderful and vibrant path with positives, negatives, variation and in no way anything which I regret, an incredible life- but I believe the calmness in myself, the connection I feel in my heart and the world I am inhabiting, and the concept of what I must do next is my calling on track. There are many many ways to work, live and exist in this life. I realised mine is enriched by faith in the energy around me and powers bigger than myself.
In this blog there are no photos, no advice, no pointers on places to go in London and where I am now because it is of no consequence. The only things, the most joyous things I have, are the connection to what I am here on this earth to do; to give and to proceed with, and a knowledge it will happen. My knowledge, impressions and perspective are nothing to you but clouds in your horizon of perspective.
You do not need a guidebook, or a map or opinions on places and experience- especially you do not need those- see heavy obscuring thunderstorm looming. You don't need friends and people to hold your hand- go GET the people, or make them along the way and go PLAY; likeminded people drop in together. Our paths find ways to get us on track- it is fruitless to fight being. Dreams and personal passions don't need to be 'liked' or aired to others. In my experience the amazing things you will produce will create the most resistance- you WANT this; it means it's unique, challenging and counterpoint to the norm. The frequency of our souls sing when you hit the travellator- it clicks in place and your dreams conspire and whisper between themselves to manifest in reality. Urg: Unfortunate use of the word of the moment; but it flows. Our instincts tell us when it feels and smells right- we can see it and sense it in others and this is reflected within ourselves.
I do not propose to have the answers. I have nice big wobbly flaws, but just as the shoelace on my Chucks has two ends so does every spectrum- our flaws are only on the other end of our beauty. I know my story and continue with my own, as to live, to laugh, to be alive is an immense privilege. We are but versions of the same with unlimited, untapped potential; each generation a little further refined, just like an app update ;) Perhaps this is where my love of youth and children lies, because I know they will be a little 'more' than I am and can be. I have always adored my elders; to hear and share their knowledge and experience is a gift so special. In myself; I know and posses more than some and less than others, but hit the world with arms wide.
This being is not to ‘exist to exist’ as this is to assume sitting and waiting- doing nothing in some enlightened and transcended state. Fight for what you want and open your eyes to opportunity; it’s eeeeeeeeverywhere in so many different forms. It is irresistible to feel and compelling to experience the terror of the Unknown. The Heart looks after itself- give a banana to the Monkey brain and chase your horizon.
I challenge that humans come full loop. That the essence of ourselves and our passions is set rather early on and that success; flow and enjoyment in WHATEVER we really really love (whether that is plucking chooks to playing the stock exchange) and decide is our vocation. This harks back to things we took up early on in childhood. It is another chapter in the kids in the sandpit story I shared when I advertised this direction through indiegogo. When we are little in kindergarten there are all the different personalities in the sandpit- the kid eating the sand, the child building amazing things, the tot who has ALL the toys and won’t share, the whippersnapper who desperately wants to be IN the sandpit with everyone else yet is terrified to get in. As we grow- we take and add skills and techniques onto this essential core of our personalities. The culinary master, the architect or engineer, the Mum, the property mogul.. but we all want to be in there playing together, even the ones who are not sure- who may only want to touch the sand then retreat until they feel the need or desire to try another component of the game.
I am referring to predisposition. When you start snowboarding (or skateboarding or surfing) the easiest way to figure out what is your ‘dominant’ leg (i.e. the leg which will be in-front when you direct where you are going) is to get someone to come up behind you and give you a surprising shove from behind. Whatever leg you put out first to break your fall is the leader. Goofy with right in front, natural with left. I ride goofy- no surprises there lol; I can go into all sorts of funny anecdotes to life with picking your riding/ chairlift/ snow partners that occurs from the mix you encounter in your friends and other fellow mountain buddies. But what I am trying to get across here, is that we tend towards a preference. It’s SOO much fun to explore these things though- in WHATEVER capacity, and figure out what we like- or don’t like. It goes both ways however- if you TRULY are an asshole deep down then you will come to terms with that also and collect others who share your energy. I find though its nice to go with what's natural- what feels good and gives you that slightly sick/ air turbulence/ heart flutter/ borderline similar to fear response in our chests and bodies. I am an adrenaline junkie- this feeling is what I crave and love- it's the skippy purr next to my heart which makes my cheeks pink and lights my eyes.
My decisions and curiosities don’t keep me in the mainstream. I find and make friends where I go but I am not tied into perpetrating networks with people that life has let pass on, or that I need to hold my hand- but this is anything but easy. There is a difference between aloneness and loneliness though. I love aloneness (which can be packed with people!) but loneliness is the shadow below that leaf that can be easy to slip into until the back catalogue of acceptance and understanding catches up. THIS is what I am always learning more about- a recognition and acceptance of my emotions and feelings. One is solid cheddar- one is hole-y Swiss ;)
My internal compass and direction and drive for what I want can set me apart from the group but I am very much a pack animal. Perhaps more the lone wolf of this pack who desires exploration and discovery; who needs time apart to chase opportunity- but I also love nothing more than to care and be cared for in environments with diversity. We can take on skills left, right and centre- we can work our way in and back out of habits, addictions and behaviour- but you can't pick up nor discard passion. We reorder our vices in order to make room for other ones- hopefully more productive pastimes. Given encouragement our Hearts drive us through and past our fears towards our loves.
What did you do in your childhood that is highlighted in colour? Right off the bat makes you smile and your heart jump a little?
